Lonely Texters
by Lis123
Summary: *Love is universal, unfortunately so are dumb men.* Bella deals with love and struggles that come from an online relationship. Edward/Bella ALL HUMAN BPOV Rated mature for language. Warning: Heartbreaking/woe is me kind of story. DRABBLE NO HEA
1. prelude

I never thought I could fall in love with someone over the internet.

I mean, who does?

How can you love someone you never met face to face, never touched?

I thought it was impossible. Boy, was I wrong.

* * *

><p><strong>Note: <strong>This story is based off of true events. Most of the story is true, though there might be a little added. Please don't ask me what is true and what is not; I'm not going into that. This story/my story is being told because I want others to know everyone goes through heartbreak and that they are not alone. I'm hoping most readers can relate and find comfort and knowledge from my experience. Enjoy! ;)


	2. Meeting a stranger

**Edboy92 **has sent you a message.

**August 23, 2011 **

* * *

><p>Hey, I'm Edward and I'm 19. I live with my parents still unfortunately but I'm not mooching off of them. I'm working for my things here, trying to help out and giving them what I can for rent. I have some faith that I will get a job soon. Anyway, I just wanted to say I love your story the Escort.<p>

I really do hope to hear from you. If you want you can email me back at Maybe we could be friends seeing that I don't have any. Anyway, have a beautiful day and goodbye.

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><p><strong> Bellbs123<strong>

Hello again, Thank you. Glad you like my story The Escort.

There is nothing wrong with living with your parents till you have enough money. Your only 19, it's not like your thirty living with your parents. Hey, I didn't leave home till I was 25. It's kind of embarrassing to say that but it's true. I had to wait till I had enough money and a stable job to leave.

Anyway, good luck with the job hunt. ;)

* * *

><p><strong> Edboy92<strong>

People steadily look down at me and say; "what's wrong with you? You need to get a job and go to college and make something of yourself. Stop trying to be a lazy good for nothing idiot."

My parents are supportive though. I don't know where I would be without them.

You're the one with an amazing job. I would love to have your job. I'm a country man and I love animals. I care for horses and dogs every weekend for some money and olive it.

Thank you, I hope it goes well.

It's just depressing and it gets you thinking especially for someone like me who doesn't have any friends or a girlfriend. I guess I should have had bad grades in school and had a life like those popular kids; at least they have jobs and a life.

Anyway, I'm boring you and quite honestly I don't know why I'm telling you all this. It was good to hear from you.

* * *

><p><strong> Bellbs123<strong>

Hey, don't feel bad, you're not alone. There are a lot of loners/misfits out there. I never talked or hung out with anyone at school. I keep to myself pretty much. Luckily for me, I have an older sister. I hung out with her and her friends a lot in high school but I never made friends of my own. I was a loner, still am.

Unfortunately, I think you have a point about being popular or having a fun, well liked personality. A lot of teenagers are all about looks and reputation. However, when you grow up that changes. You have to worry more about making money and a living than your appearance and you start to see who the real people are and who are fake.

It's funny; when I was younger I never did much on the bad side. I got good grades, my teachers loved me because I was always mature beyond my years and did my school work without rebelling like the other kids in class and was respectful.

I thought I was going to be an artist. I loved to draw and then I grew up realized how hard it was to enter that line of work as well as loss interest in it.

So I moved on to animals and now work at an animal hospital as a kennel staff. It's not the dream job people hope for and the pay is not the best either but I do it to survive.

I envy people who have a passion for their jobs or careers they are in. I never had that passion or motivation for anything.

If I had a choice I wouldn't work at all. Unfortunately, we have to work to survive.

Anyway, I always love being creative, so I started to make videos on YouTube and writing stories on fan fiction. It's therapeutic to me. It's a way to let go off all the stress and bring out my creativity side and show others what you can do as well as entertain myself.

Nice to know your parents support you. ;)

* * *

><p><strong> Edboy92<strong>

Lol. That was a chapter. Anyways your right, a job is a job. I hate work and I hated school. I was a loner and a respectful kid as well but unfortunately my sister graduate way before I got into high school and it sucked. I probably would have been a little out there I guess if she was there.

As for work, I force and yell and push myself every day to do what I have to do to try to achieve my goals.

I was an artist in school, I drew, played acoustic guitar and sang but I don't do it anymore. Now, I make myself work but it's just getting harder and harder and I'm slowly losing faith.

I may struggle but I keep on charging the mountain and climbing until I can reach my goal and be able to succeed in living a happy enjoyable life.

If you want we could get to know each other and be friends. We can take turns asking each other whatever we want to know. That is, questions that we feel comfortable asking and all.

* * *

><p><strong> Bellbs123<strong>

I don't care. I'm not much of a talker or type talker? Again, I'm not the best with communication but if you have questions I'll answer to the best of my ability. It's 12:14 a.m. right now. I don't know how much longer I'm going to stay up at the moment. However, if you want to just ask a question and I'll get back to you when I can, that's fine.

* * *

><p><strong> Edboy92<strong>

Neither am I and its 11:20 here. Write me back on my email that way I can use my cell phone to talk to you, please.


	3. Common ground

*****Something I forgot to mention to you guys is that I do not have a lot of the orginal messages between him and me. More than half of our conversations got deleted so, a lot of this story will be little convos between us I remembered or just memories of our time with a little fiction here and there possibly thrown in. Also, there was some flirting, sexual conversations but I am NOT putting that in this story out of privacy and respect. So don't be surprise if there is a sudden jump from friends to I really like you to I love you. This story is rated mature do to some cursing. NO HEA*****

* * *

><p><strong>August 24, 2011 <strong>

I scrolled through my emails surprised to see another message from Edward so soon, in fact, at all. I figured we would talk once and I would never hear from the guy again. I never thought I was going to be friends with farming Ted.

I had this picture in my head of him already, some kid wearing blue jean overalls, boots and a straw hat, covered in dirt and sweat and probably stinky, taking care of farm animals. Then I thought of the show swamp people with the crazy hillbillies.

Shit, I wondered if he still had all his teeth.

What a turn off.

I shook the unattractive thoughts from my head and opened up the message.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92<strong>

I live in Mississippi, what state do you live in?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123<strong>

I live in Florida. It's nice for the most part. I actually prefer the colder weather we get on rare occasions as opposed to the heat. It's too much sometimes and I have to be outside a lot during my job, it sucks. Sometimes it feels a sauna outside. I miss the cold weather. I so want a cold front. What about you, you like Mississippi?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92<strong>

For the most part yes, I'm like you. I can't wait for the cold and I'm always outside so I'm pretty much as tan as an American white man can get but I love it here in the country, its peaceful and quiet. Though sometimes I wished I lived in Alaska were its always cold cause I can put more on than I can take off you know?

Tell me more about you, I want to get to know you better and if you have anything you want to ask me I will answer truthfully and honestly I promise. Tell me more about you, tell me everything. Everything you want to tell me of course. I don't want to pressure you into anything or make you feel like you have to tell me everything, I mean we all have boundaries and are allowed privacy and all.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123<strong>

There is not much to tell about myself. In fact, I think I pretty much already told you all there is to know about me. I keep to myself; my only real activities are the television and computer. Some shows I watch/like are One Tree Hill, I love Lucy (a classic), Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond, Survivor, Project Runway, So You Think You Can Dance, America's Got Talent etc... I watch a lot of tv, lol!

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92<strong>

Lol. I do to. I watch the same shows and I spend time on the computer and I keep to myself too.

I mean, no one really gets me and no girls pay attention to me or talk to me or give me the time of day. You're the first girl I've actually have had a conversation with honestly and I have self-esteem issues.

I'm shy and not really open but with you, I seem to open up and tell you things. I feel comfortable talking to you and I'm always uncomfortable around women.

Also it's hard to find a decent, nice, sweet, caring and respectable woman now a days and that's the type of girl I'm looking for. I'm not picky; I just don't want an immature party all the time, irresponsible girl that acts as if she is a freshman in college all the time. There is nothing wrong with letting loose but there is a line that you can cross, you know?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellsbs123<strong>

Question: You talk a lot about school. Are you still in High school, College? You talk about liking animals and how my job sound nice. If you're interested in that field why not look for work at a veterinary clinic or animal hospital? They are usually looking for kennel staff or you could aim to become a tech.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92<strong>

I'm trying to get into college. It's just too expensive and I've tried to get a job at one but all the ones in my area in which I live in aren't hiring at all. Only college students can get those jobs or graduated college students around here and sorry I forgot to answer this question but I am out of high school. I graduate at 17.

What do you look like physically and I mean your facial features and all?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellsbs123<strong>

Don't take this the wrong way but I'm not going to go into that whole what I look like question. You want to be online friends right? Looks shouldn't matter than, should they?

Sorry if I'm coming off like a bitch but I just want to be clear with you, I'm willing to be online friends only. Asking about someone's appearance to me says to me your thinking about other things. If not, I apologize but it comes off that way.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92<strong>

It's completely fine, I understand. I was asking so we could know what the other person we are talking to looks like and I completely understand and yes just online friends. I'm sorry if I crossed a line with that question.

You didn't sound like a bitch coming off just then, you didn't feel right with the question and were probably confused with why I asked it and I am truly sorry. I will be sure not to ask uncomfortable or out of line questions like that again, I promise.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123<strong>

Well, if that's the only reason you want to know then okay. I have brown shoulder length hair, blueish-green eyes, I'm 5'9" and considered obese.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92<strong>

I also have blueish green eyes, my hair is a brown mess and I'm 5'6" and a little on the chunky side.

Oh, what's your name?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123<strong>

My name is Bella but you can call me Bell for short. ;)

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92<strong>

Oh, okay.

Well, I'm getting sleepy just email me at this name tomorrow when you can or if you would like to; okay? Good night, sweet dreams!

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123<strong>

Okay, night.

* * *

><p><strong>Note<strong>: Review!


	4. On the fast track

**Late August**

* * *

><p>Emailing late at night became the norm with Edward and me. I would find myself staying up way pass my bedtime, not going to sleep til the wee hours of the morning. Even if I had work the next day at seven in the morning, it didn't matter.<p>

I sacrificed a couple hours of sleep each night just so I could have more time to chat with Edward.

It didn't bug me much, except when I was required to wake up with only five or less hours of sleep and expected to have the energy for a full work day.

I really liked talking to him, it was so rare to find someone I had some much in common with and that I felt as comfortable talking to.

I started to find it hard to concentrate at work the more and more I talked to Edward on a deeper level, getting to know all about him.

I was too hyped up, too excited to do anything. I would constantly find myself smiling at just the thought of him and I would have to quickly hide my smile so my coworkers wouldn't think I was strange or ask why I was smiling.

It was a nerve racking, stressful yet wonderful feeling.

I couldn't even remember the last time I had smiled, had something to smile about or been happy.

It started to scare me a little too, how close I was letting him in, how deep Edward had affected me in my life in the short time we had started chatting.

I loved coming home to my computer to find a message from Edward saying how bad he missed me. It of course made me blush, smile and feel special.

I never felt that before with a guy, ever.

No one ever made me feel special, except my mom, but that was a completely different thing entirely.

Every day was the same. I would wake up exhausted, having to start a new work day. I would have a hard time concentrating at work, as my thoughts would often wonder to Edward.

Then, I would get home, rush to eat dinner and change so I could have more time to talk to him.

We would talk about everything, you name it we talked about it, likes, dislikes, family, questions, how our day was etc…

After chatting till two-three in the morning I would head to bed completely worn out. I was so excited about Edward entering my life and couldn't wait to talk to him again that it took forever for me to fall asleep.

Last, I would wake up early in the morning to head off to work and start the process all over again.

It was like I was dead yet alive. My lack of sleep and stressful ways were killing me but at the same time, I had never felt so excited, cheerful inside.

I still kept my guard up with Edward though. I had been hurt so many times by people growing up; I didn't want that to ever happen again. I never wanted to set myself up to get hurt.

I always went by the saying; "It is better to be safe than sorry."

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92 <strong>Hey baby, how was your day?

* * *

><p>I blushed and wrinkled my face up in confusion as I read Edward's message.<p>

**Baby?**

**Since when am I baby?**

I decided to ignore Edward's choice of words and answer his question.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123 <strong>Long, boring and tiring.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92 <strong>Aww, sorry to hear that sweetheart.

* * *

><p><strong>Sweetheart?<strong>

I found myself overwhelmed by his affections.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123 <strong>Edward, don't you think you're getting a little ahead of yourself with the sentimental words?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92 <strong>Sorry, I won't do it if it makes you uncomfortable.

* * *

><p>We eventually changed the subject of Florida, where I live.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92<strong> You can show me around Florida when we meet.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123<strong> Meet? What do you mean by meet? I asked feeling panicked.

* * *

><p>I couldn't help but think of all the bad things that could happen if we met. I mean, Edward was sweet and we got along great online but he was still a stranger to me.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92<strong> You know, when I come down to see you.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123<strong> Edward, we have only been talking for like two weeks and your already talking about meeting.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92<strong> Wow, it's only been two weeks? It feels longer. Lol.

* * *

><p>I knew what he meant, it did feel longer. It felt like we had known each other our whole lives the way we connected and got along so well.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123<strong> Don't take this the wrong way but. I don't really know you, you could be a rapist, robber or murdered. Why would I meet someone I don't truly know?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92<strong> I completely understand. I won't pressure you to meet me; I'll wait till you're ready. If you're not comfortable meeting me at all than we won't. It's totally up to you.

* * *

><p>We dropped the subject and made small talk about our day. I waited a while before coming to my decision.<p>

Edward and I were quite similar with getting emotionally hurt in the past as kids and growing up loners. We were both Aquarius, we both longed for similar things, and we both made a promise to be honest with each other.

I never took a risk before in my life but strangely enough I was willing to for Edward. I believed in him. I believed he was being truthful to me and that what we had was a rare and beautiful thing.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123<strong> Okay, how about in six months we meet, if we are both still up for it. So, we would met in January.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92<strong> Okay, January it is. ;)

* * *

><p><strong>Note:<strong> Review, pretty please.


	5. A phone call and an upgrade

Edward and I had been messaging each other for about two weeks before I got the courage to tell him to call me. I remember how nervous I was as my phone started to ring, looking down at the unfamiliar number.

I recall my hesitation to answer, worried what I might hear and worried about letting a complete stranger in my life and in my heart.

I picked my cell up after a couple rings.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

"Who is this?" I asked, though knowing very well who was calling me.

It was just a habit to ask who was trying to reach me and plus I was nervous.

"Edward, who's this?" He asked confused and maybe a little nervous himself.

"Bella; hey." I replied, feeling a little stupid for how I was reacting.

I couldn't even sound cool and relaxed on the phone. It was one thing to talk through computers; it was a completely different thing to hear that person's voice as you talked. It was a little intimidating.

"You there?" Edward asked when I didn't bother to say anything else.

"Yeah."

**Silence.**

"You're really quiet." He stated.

"I'm always like this, that's why I don't like talking on the phone. I never know what to say."

"Yeah, me too."

An awkward silence filled the line as we struggled with what to say to each other. Trying to kill the quietness I said the first thing that came to me.

"Man, your country. I didn't think your accent would be so thick."

"Well, I can't help that."

I smiled to myself at his response. I never found a country accent appealing. In fact, they usually annoyed me but there was something about the way he talked, it was innocent and sweet and I liked it.

He tried asking me a few questions or tried telling me something but his accent was so strong that it was hard for me to understand what he was saying. I felt like he was speaking another language at times.

"Okay, let's go back to talking on the computer because this isn't working, I can barely understand you."

I ended the call and my anxiety returned as I waited for him to message me, curious about what he was going to say.

I like your voice. He wrote, and I smiled at that.

* * *

><p>We emailed back and forth and tried texting a couple of times throughout the day but my phone was cheap and not really the best kind of phone to use for texting.<p>

So I upgraded for Edward. Well, to be fair, I upgraded so I could text with ease and Edward was just the driving force I needed to urge me to get a better, more expensive phone so we could chat easily.

My new blackberry torch worked like a charm when it came to texting which is a lot more than I could say about my pervious fourteen dollar phone.

With my new phone with better features Edward and I were able to chat more, and did, ever chance we could. I texted to him a morning greeting when I awake in the morning, throughout work day when it was a slow day or if had a moment free, when I was at home and before I went to bed.

I never liked to text but with talking to Edward, it was slowly but surely growing on me.


	6. Song lyrics and lies

**Early September**

* * *

><p>Things started to get confusing and a little stressful. Lines were getting blurred. I didn't even know what to label us as anymore. We were much more than friends yet we were way less than a couple. We were stuck somewhere in the middle and I wasn't sure how to get us out of it.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> I stayed up late last night and wrote a song about you.

I blushed and felt a nervous, joyful energy run through me. I never had a guy write a song for me. I mean, how many girls actually do? I felt so lucky and overwhelmed.

**Bellbs123: **Really?

**Edboy92: **Yeah, you want to read it?

**Bellbs123: **Yes, sure.

**Edboy92:** It's not the best. So be kind.

**Bellbs123: **I promise.

**Edboy92: **Okay, here it is.

* * *

><p><em>She read me the note he left on her bed<em>

_Snuck in her room right after she left_

_And put petals on the ground_

_Her head on his shoulder they walk down the hall_

_I'm left to wonder will I ever fall in love_

_And where is he now_

_She's with him, I'm in the back seat_

_Know it's not right but it hurts when they're laughing_

_And I've never been where they are_

_I wanna be blown away_

_I wanna be swept off my feet_

_I wanna meet the one who makes it hard for me to breathe_

_I wanna be lost in love_

_I wanna be your dream come true_

_I wanna be scared of how strong I feel for you_

_Just call me beautiful, Call me beautiful_

_Call me beautiful, Call me b-e-a-utiful_

_Friday night she wore his jersey to the game_

_In the front row screamin out his name_

_As he turns to her and smiles_

_Every where I look people holding hands_

_When am I gonna get my chance at love_

_My chance at love_

_Cuz she's with him, I'm still hurting_

_Try to pretend but it's not working_

_I just wanna be where they are_

_I wanna be blown away_

_I wanna be swept off my feet_

_I wanna meet the one who makes it hard for me to breathe_

_I wanna be lost in love_

_I wanna be your dream come true_

_I wanna be scared of how strong I feel for you_

_Just call me beautiful, Call me beautiful_

_Call me beautiful, Call me b-e-a-utiful_

_My heart is waiting for your love_

_My hand is waiting for your touch_

_My lips just wanna be kissed by you_

_I wanna be blown away_

_I wanna be swept off my feet_

_I wanna meet the one who makes it hard for me to breathe_

_I wanna be lost in love_

_I wanna be your dream come true_

_I wanna be scared of how strong I feel for you_

_Just call me beautiful, Call me beautiful_

_Call me beautiful, Call me b-e-a-utiful_

_Beautiful, Call me beautiful_

_Call me beautiful, Call me b-e-a-utiful._

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123: <strong>Aww, I really like it. Thank you. ;)

**Edboy92: **You're welcome. ;)

**Edboy92: **I wish someone would call me beautiful.

**Bellbs123:** Well, I don't know about your looks but your personality is beautiful.

**Edboy92:** Aww, thank you. That means a lot. ;)

**Edboy92: **If you're ever feeling down just look back at the song I wrote you.

**Bellbs123: **;)

* * *

><p>Edward and I took a break from emailing.<p>

I felt myself slipping further and further into him. I wanted to make sure Edward was being truthful to me. I knew there were some pretty sneaky, deceiving guys out there. I didn't want fall too hard only to find out later that he was one of them. I didn't want to be some kind of a game to a guy. I didn't want to get played.

Nervously I keyed in some of the words to the lyrics Edward claimed to have wrote me. I prayed nothing would come up, that I was wrong with my theory and that a guy would be willing to do sweet things for me and be genuine.

Unfortunately, I was wrong. I couldn't believe it. There they were, right in front of my eyes, the lyrics Edward supposedly wrote me.

I was pissed off and I was hurt bad. I felt so stupid.

I cursed his name and began to cry. It took a couple of minutes for me to calm down.

I was soo pissed off at him, at the guy he claimed to be. I never had been so upset before. I wrote him back full of emotions.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123: <strong>You're such an asshole! You did not write that song. It's by Megan Nicole. You want honesty, do us both a favor and don't bother contacting me anymore. How's that for honesty?

* * *

><p>I decided to go work out and not let Edward get the best of me. I got on the treadmill and walked fiercely on the machine. I was on the verge of tears and wanting to just scream. I held it in and did the best thirty minute workout I could. It was hard to do with my mind elsewhere.<p>

* * *

><p>Later when I came back from the gym I checked my email account again and was shocked there was nothing there. I figured Edward would have wrote me back, bitched me out for calling him an asshole or fight for my affections but there was nothing.<p>

I was so hurt and frustrated so I wrote him again wanting the truth.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123: <strong>Why? Tell me why?

* * *

><p>It took about fifteen minutes before I got a response.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92: <strong>I'm sorry okay. I've been crying all afternoon. I was so upset, afraid I ruin things between us that I went outside and punched a tree, several times.

**Bellbs123: **Why would you lie about lyrics though?

**Edboy92: **I wanted to impress you. I didn't think it would be a big deal.

**Bellbs123: **I don't care about the song. I care about you being honest with me. That's why I was so upset. Seeing that you lied to me about lyrics made me think what else you could be lying to me about.

**Edboy92: **I have been honest with you on everything I promise. The lyrics were the only thing I lied about.

**Bellbs123: **Okay, I believe you, just don't do that again.

**Edboy92: **I promise.

**Bellbs123:** How's the hand?

**Edboy92:** It hurts so bad. I'm never hitting a tree again.

**Bellbs123: **Lol. Sorry to hear that. You should put ice on your hand to help the swelling.

**Edboy92: **Yeah, I will. Thanks baby.


	7. Pictures and flirting

**Early September**

* * *

><p>The day came where we agreed to send pictures of ourselves to each other.<p>

Edward went first. I crossed my fingers and prayed I was attracted to him physically because emotional and personality wise I was 100 percent.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> This is me…

When I got the picture of him, my world came crashing down. Edward was not what you would call a looker. He wasn't the worst looking guy I ever saw either but he certainly wasn't the best. He had some features that were nice and others that needed some work.

I know I was being judgmental and rude, thinking the way I was but I couldn't help it. Edward just seem like prince charming, he sounded like one most of the time with his sweet words, it was only naturally one would think and hope one looked as charming and attractive as they talked or wrote.

The picture he sent me wasn't the best either. Edward's hair was a mess, it didn't even look like he brushed it for the picture. He had dark circles under his eyes like he did not have much sleep; his face was rounded due to being overweight and he was frowning in the shot.

He had nice blue eyes though.

I struggled with something nice to say. He did not make it easy with the picture he sent.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Why aren't you smiling?

**Edboy92:** I just woke up when I took the picture. I'll send you another one.

**Bellbs123:** I want a smile this time.

**Edboy92:** Yes, mam.

* * *

><p>There was something about the way he talked to me sometimes that just excited me, in all ways possible.<p>

I got his second picture. There wasn't much of a difference except he was smiling, so that was something I guess.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I like your smile. Okay this is me, be nice…

**Edboy92:** You're beautiful.

* * *

><p>His words throw me off. I have never been called beautiful before by a guy. I didn't think I was, maybe cute or somewhat attractive but not beautiful. I was glad he thought I was pretty. It made my day.<p>

By the end of the night when we were saying our goodbyes Edward returned to his sentimental words with me.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Good night, beautiful Bell, sweet dreams. ;)

**Bellbs123:** Sweet dreams Edward. ;)

* * *

><p>Edward would often flirt with me and I would find myself shockingly flirting back. He would send me somewhat dirty innocent pictures of couples Kissing/cuddling/holding hands/touching and ask; "Can we try this or do this when we meet?"

I remember one time in particular when I was at working complaining how bored I was and he kept sending pictures. I swear he sent me like six pictures in a row.

"I created a monster." I joked.

It of course always made me blush and smile yet I would find myself holding back from him, from the thought of a relationship with him. I didn't even know if we would like each other when we met in person. I mean, just because we had online chemistry didn't mean we would have physical chemistry.

Certainty was a big thing for me. I wasn't willing to agree to a relationship with Edward without meeting first, without knowing if we really clicked as well as I had previously thought and hoped.

I was only willing to risk so much.

He told me we would be friends as long as I wanted to be. If I ever felt uncomfortable or wanted to end things all I had to do was say the words.

I know he was trying to be understanding to my confused feelings over our current situation and I appreciated what he meant but it scared me at the same time.

I felt like the way he said it, was like it would be no big deal to him if we never talked again. I knew it wasn't true but it just came off that way.

Edward was becoming a drug to me, one that I could not be without.

I told him I would never want to defriend him. He seemed happy with that response and promised he would always be there and always be my friend. It meant a lot to hear that.


	8. Nights are the hardest

**Mid-September**

We gave talking on the phone another go. It went better than our first phone conversation; we actually had things to talk about this time around. Well, Edward did anyway.

He was talking a mile a minute. I never knew someone could talk so fast and have some much to talk about. I could barely get a word in. It was a little frustrating and confusing. Half the things Edward was saying I couldn't understand because he was rambling and his accent was still a little hard for me to understand at times.

He told me he rambles when he is nervous. Boy, he wasn't lying that's for sure.

I keep my responses short and mostly kept to; "mmhmmm." in reply to the things he said.

There were certain times I felt myself drifting off and Edward would catch on, realizing I wasn't talking much.

"Don't fall asleep on me now." He said to me in his country accent.

It made me smile. It was nice to know someone thought I was important. He made me feel sexy and loved at times.

* * *

><p>Days were great. However, nights were a struggle.<p>

It always got so lonely and quiet at night. It would literally be seconds after talking to Edward, sometimes not even that and my whole mood would change from feeling great and appreciated to depressed and alone.

Sometimes just saying goodnight to Edward was a challenge because that meant I wouldn't be able to hear from him again till hours later.

I would find myself fidgeting nervously and tearing up because I didn't want to stop talking to him. I didn't want to be brought back to my reality of being alone.

I wanted to stay in my little fantasy world with Edward by my side all the way.

I worked early in the mornings and Edward usually didn't wake up till eleven or twelve in the afternoon and he was an hour behind me, Which meant I would have to wait till it was twelve or one my time to hear from him again .

It was torture.

There were some rare moments where he would send me a text early in the morning if he woke up to use the bathroom before going back to bed, but it was rare.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> I wish you were here so we could cuddle.

**Bellbs123:** Me too. ;(

* * *

><p>We both complained about being lonely at night and wishing we could cuddle with each other. We came up with the idea to use our pillows whenever we were lonely to cuddle with and pretended it was each other. It was a silly idea that didn't really work but the thought was there.<p>

I would have given anything just to be able to have Edward next to me; to be able to watch movies and shows and talk face to face and laugh at stupid things; to be able to wrap my arms around his warm waist and feel his hot breath on my neck. To have him stare into my eyes with so much affection it made me blush and shiver, to feel his lips upon mine and be my first kiss, to run my hands into his messy hair and to hear him say my name and call me beautiful to my face.

I never wanted something or someone so much in my life.

* * *

><p><strong>Note: <strong>I know I have more than two readers here. I want more reviews. Pretty please with Edward on top. lol. ;)


	9. A huge impact

Edward and I texted all the time; it was an odd and difficult change when we had to take a break due to our outside lives. I hated having to run to the store or the gym or having to have a family get together because that meant I couldn't talk to Edward.

It's ironic to think that someone who was loner and kept to themselves their whole life suddenly had this need, this want to never stop talking to this one person.

I knew how precious our time together was and I didn't want to take it for granted or lose it.

* * *

><p>I told Edward I had to go shopping for food one afternoon. He was very understanding and told me he would be waiting for my return so we could talk again.<p>

Of course the whole time I was gone I thought of Edward and was eager to get back to him. I usually shopped really fast and I did this time as well but my family wanted to hang out a little afterwards and have dinner together.

I felt bad; I haven't seen them much since I started chatting with Edward. Every spare minute I had went to him. Even my stories that I was in the middle of writing were suffering.

My life just didn't matter much without Edward.

I left my cellphone at home when I went out to do my errands. I found out it was better to keep my phone away when I had to get things done, otherwise I would be tempted to text Edward every minute.

When I finally arrived back home it was dark at night and I picked up my phone to see the many texts I had received.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92: <strong>I miss you.

**Edboy92: **It's been two hours, thirty minutes, Where are you?

I laughed a little at that one.

**Bellbs123: **Now you're counting the time? That's kind of stalkerish. Lol

**Edboy92: **I missed you.

**Bellbs123: **I can see that. Lol. I missed you too.

**Edboy92:** I missed you more.

**Bellbs123: **;)

* * *

><p>That became Edward's signature saying. Whenever I said I missed him, he always answered back I missed you more.<p>

It made me feel good but sometimes it made me think that he didn't think I cared enough or that no matter what I did he would always be the one who cares more.

It bugged me a little.

How can you claim to feel more than someone else? We all have the same emotions, the same capacity.

It was sweet of him to say but a little ignorant on his part as well.

* * *

><p>Later on, Edward sent me a cute background picture that was black and in the middle had the letter B in pink with a flower and vine wrapped around it for my initial. I used it for my cell phone wallpaper. He told me his background picture on his phone was a picture of me.<p>

I made a difference in his world.

Edward said he used to be depressed, struggle to get out of bed and do things. Now, since talking to me he wakes up with a smile on his face. He said his mom noticed he was happier too.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> You're my motivation, you keep me going.

**Bellbs123: **Aww, thank you; (Blushing.)

**Edboy92: **;)

* * *

><p>It made me feel good to hear that, that I could have such an impact on someone.<p> 


	10. Meeting my sister and love confessions

Edward and I were planning to meet in January and I was going to have my older sister come with me the day we met, as a chaperone.

Edward was already nervous and I wanted to ease his anxiety and stress any way I could.

I thought it would be a good idea if he talked to my sister over the phone and had them get to know each other a little before they meet in person. So it would be less awkward for all of us.

I, myself was nervously excited as far as how things would go. I wanted my sister's approval and I wanted everything to go smoothly.

* * *

><p>I was putting on some makeup in the bathroom getting ready to go to the movies with my sister as she talked over the phone with Edward, trying to find out more about this guy that peaked my interest.<p>

It was the first time I truly felt I had someone special in my life. In that moment I felt as if Edward and I were a couple.

* * *

><p>Later on Edward and I were emailing each other as usual. I was getting tired and needed to get to bed. I reluctantly ended our conversation so I could get some much needed sleep.<p>

**Bellbs123:** Goodnight.

I went to bed not waiting for a reply.

* * *

><p>When I woke up I was shocked by what I saw.<p>

**Edboy92: **Okay, goodnight. I love you.

I swear my eyes did a double take. I had to reread the sentence again to make sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. Then I read the next line.

**Edboy92: **Oh, crap. I didn't mean that. My mom came in and said goodnight to me as I was writing you back and I accidently typed I love you to you instead of saying it to my mom. Sorry.

After reading Edward explanation I wasn't sure if I was relieved or disappointed.

**Bellbs123: **Lol, don't worry about it. That happened to me once. I was leaving a message on a friend's answering machine and I forgot who I was talking to momentarily and said Love ya at the end thinking I was calling my mom then I realized my mistake. It was so embarrassing.

**Edboy92:** lol.

* * *

><p>I went to work and it was a regular, same routine day. I got a chance to text with Edward on my break.<p>

**Bellbs123: **I'm on my lunch break but I have to get back to work.

**Edboy92: **Okay, I L…never mind. Talk to you later.

* * *

><p>I kept reading Edward's strange text, completely puzzled.<p>

_What the hell was he going to write?_

_He wasn't going to say he loved me, was he?_

_Maybe he was going to write that he liked me?_

_Hell if I know._

_Great, now that's going to bug me all day._

* * *

><p>I couldn't take it anymore. As soon as Edward and I began our night Texting I asked him the question that had been on my mind all day.<p>

**Bellbs123: **Earlier at lunch when you texted me I L… what where you going to say?

**Edboy92: **I Love you.

**Bellbs123: **I thought so. I really like you a lot but I don't believe a person could love someone they never met or hung out with face to face. Also, it's kind of tacky announcing you love someone through text.

**Edboy92: **That's why I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to scare you away.

**Bellbs123: **You won't scare me away.

**Edboy92: **Good to know. ;)

**Edboy92: **I do love you though.

**Bellbs123: **Thanks,I know. ;)


	11. A song dedication and part time work

I was in the car with my mom on my way home from doing some grocery shopping when I heard this new song by Usher and David Guetta called Without You come on the radio.

I was enjoying the beat of the music, listening to the words carefully.

I couldn't help but think the song fit my current situation with Edward so well, fit the way I felt about him so well. Edward was an addiction of mine I could not nor did I ever want to quit.

* * *

><p><strong>Without You:<strong>

_I can't win, I can't reign_

_I will never win this game_

_Without you, without you_

_I am lost, I am vain,_

_I will never be the same_

_Without you, without you_

_I won't run, I won't fly_

_I will never make it by_

_Without you, without you_

_I can't rest, I can't fight_

_All I need is you and I,_

_Without you, without... You!_

_Oh oh oh_

_You you you_

_Without_

_You you you_

_Without you.._

_Can't erase, so I'll take blame_

_But I can't accept that we're Estrange_

_Without you, without you_

_I can't quit now, this can't be right_

_I can't take one more sleepless night_

_Without you, without you_

_I won't soar, I won't climb_

_If you're not here I'm paralyzed without you, without you_

_I can't look, I'm so blind_

_Lost my heart, I lost my mind without you without... You!_

_Oh oh oh_

_You you you_

_Without_

_You you you_

_Without you.._

_I am lost, I am vain,_

_I will never be the same_

_Without you, without you, WITHOUT YOU_

* * *

><p>Later that night when I got home I excitedly found the song on YouTube with the lyrics and sent it to Edward to hear his thoughts.<p>

**Bellbs123: **Hey, I heard this song today and really like it. What do you think of it?

Edward was too busy helping his dad with security watch to view the actually video but he said he would look at it later. He did however, see the lyrics to it.

**Edboy92:** That should be our song. ;)

**Bellbs123: **Okay. ;)

* * *

><p>Security watch was a sidepart time job Edward's father did occasionally on late Saturday nights till the early morning hours. Edward would go with his father to help keep him awake on the job during the wee hours and give him some company.

That was just one of the many side jobs Edward did. In fact, He's weeks were usually quite busy for someone without a REAL, stable job.

A side from accompanying his father with security watch and being a part-time farm caretaker, Edward also fixed cars in his garage for some extra money and did household chores.

Edward was even kind enough to drive his little sister to school every now and then.

He did all these things with barely a complaint.

Edward seemed almost perfect.

Almost.

If only I was as physically attracted to him as I was emotionally.

It was strange how Edward's physical appearance grew on me over time. At first, I didn't find him physically attractive at all. However, over time, after getting to know him more, I started to see promise. He started to look somewhat cute to me.

I thought if he just lose the extra weight he was carrying and his face thinned out, he would look more appealing.

I didn't want to admit it but I felt my LIKE for Edward shifting closer and closer to that other L word.


	12. The heart vs the head

I was having a moment of depression, realizing I had no real outside life and the one person who I connected with, felt close to, lived in another state.

I felt at times having a romantic-like relationship with Edward was an unrealistic goal and that the chances of us following through with actually meeting were rare.

I thought about the fact Edward was lacking a stable, decent paying job and barely had enough money each month to pay his parents rent; wondering if he would even be able to afford to come down to visit me.

Also, if he did visit me and we got along well, I wondered if Edward would be able to visit me again the future.

Contact was an important aspect to making any relationship/friendship work, without it we had nothing.

Edward actually told me once that if we did have chemistry in personal when we did finally meet he wouldn't be opposed to moving down to Florida to make a relationship between us work.

It was a sweet gesture but again felt unrealistic. The cost of living in the state of Mississippi was lower than the national average. Florida definitely was not a cheap place to live. In fact, it was quite expensive. As well as the population change from Mississippi to Florida would be quite a culture shock for Edward.

The population in Mississippi was a little less than three million, for Florida it was about nineteen million.

The problem was Edward thought too much with his heart and I thought too much with my head.

I also wondered if Edward would even like the REAL me, inside and out once he saw all I had to offer. Even I admit I thought of Edward as being two different people.

Edward was charming, attractive, emotional and flirty online. However when it came to phone calls he was impassive; he showed no emotions over the phone except nervousness with his fast talks. When I looked at his picture I saw a young, naïve guy whereas online I pictured a man.

It was hard to put the two together, to accept that such a young, naïve, nervous guy could be confident and completely charming online and have an old soul inside.

I wanted to make sure Edward and I were on the same wave length, that he REALLY loved me, that I wasn't just some infatuation to him and that what he felt wasn't just puppy love.

I wanted to know there was potential for us, hope, before I actually gave my whole heart to him. I needed to know he was willingly to do whatever it took to make us work.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123: <strong>Why do you love me?

**Edboy92:** I made a list, 100 reasons why.

I quickly cheered up at this. Yet still not sure if I could take him seriously or not.

**Bellbs123:** What, you did not?

**Edboy92:** Yeah, I did. I stayed up late that night I realized I loved you and wrote them down. You want to hear them?

**Bellbs123:** Sure.

I nervously waited, excited and somewhat scared for what I was going to see.

**Edboy92:** 1) I love your honesty. 2) I love that you care for your family as well as show affection towards mine. 3) I love that your old fashion. 4) I love that you're trying to get healthy...

I blushed and smiled reading text after text about how much Edward loved me. It was quite overwhelming.

By the time Edward got half way through his hands were killing him, from all the typing.

**Edboy92: **My hands are starting to hurt can I tell you the rest over the phone?

**Bellbs123:** Yeah.

* * *

><p>I picked up my phone as soon as I heard the first ring knowing it was him calling.<p>

"Why didn't I think of doing this before?" Edward questioned, referring to calling me from the start instead of trying to text me all one hundred reasons.

I giggled with glee, excited and anticipating hearing all one hundred reasons.

"I don't know." I replied giddy.

Edward cleared his throat nervously before continuing on with his list. I listened carefully to his voice shaking every now and then, the clearing of his throat after each reason given, the sound of crinkling from him handing the papers he wrote on.

Some of Edward's reasons were sweet other were just silly, making me snicker a little.

It wasn't long till he got to the big one hundred and the phone line filled up with silence. I wasn't quite sure how to response.

How do you reply to someone taking the time to make a list of reasons why they love you and to have so many details why?

"Hey Bell." Edward voiced after a minute or two of silence.

"Yeah?"

"I Love You."

I couldn't help it; I broke down as soon as I heard those words leave his mouth. I started to tear up and remained quiet not sure what to say.

"I got to go sleep, it's getting late but thank you, it means a lot." I answered with a shaky voice due to my silent cries.

* * *

><p>I got ready for bed feeling stupid for getting so worked up and crying. I texted Edward back. I didn't want him to think I didn't care for him; it couldn't be further from the truth. I never cared for someone soo much.<p>

**Bellbs123: **I'm sorry I couldn't say it back. I just don't believe one can love someone without actually meeting first. I got so emotional I starting to cry at the end and now, I'm fidgeting and tearing up again.

**Edboy92:** I wasn't expecting to hear it back. I didn't even know you were crying. Why?

**Bellbs123: **I don't know.

**Edboy92: **Do you see me as your boyfriend?

**Bellbs123: **I don't know. I mean, we aren't a couple technically but we are more than just friends. I don't know, I got issues.

**Edboy92: **No you don't.

**Bellbs123: **I got to go to bed, night.

**Edboy92: **Night baby, I love you. ;)

* * *

><p>I wasn't used to showing my emotions, letting people in. I was used to shutting people out. It was a defense mechanism I used to keep my heart safe and sadly it wasn't working with Edward. He knew all too well how to get to my heart, and he did. He just didn't know it yet.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Note: <strong>Reviews wanted! ;)


	13. Love knows no boundaries

One day while Edward was fixing a car on his side job, he got hurt. He was diagnosed with a slipped disc in his back. I couldn't believe a nineteen year old could get a slipped disc. That someone could sustain such a tender and permanent injury at a young age.

Edward already had a previous hand injury from a past accident he received while working on a car but thankfully it healed. He also had arthritis in one of his knees.

He had barely lived and was already falling apart.

I admit, I, myself did not have the best of luck but I didn't start having the bad health luck till my mid-twenties and it was always something that eventually healed, no permanent damage.

I was worried about Edward's health. I had no plans to have him out of my life. I wanted him to stay with me as long as humanly possible.

I never wanted to lose him.

Edward was taking pain killers for his back. I was glad he had something to help him deal with the pain but at the same time I hated those drugs. They made Edward quite sleepy once he took them which limit our chatting time by a lot.

Edward and I went from chatting almost all day long to about ten to fifteen minutes a day. It was such a drastic and aggravating change.

We could never have deep conversations, just a basic greeting, ask how he was doing and that was about it. It was one of the most frustrating things ever for me to experience.

I would wait all day just to hear from him only to get a couple of measly words. It was never enough. I wanted more, I needed more.

Edward usually contacted me around my schedule since I worked and he didn't officially, and my shift time changed a lot.

* * *

><p>I was supposed to hear from Edward around five o'clock one day. He promised me the day before as usually that he would text me around that time, which was the time I was supposed to get out of work.<p>

Well, five o'clock came and went, so did six, seven, eight and nine.

I was starting to get really worried. Edward always made time to contact me. I thought something had to be seriously wrong for him not to.

I was pulling and twisting my hair in stress and crying thinking about all the what if's.

I left phone messages, texts and emails.

I got no reply.

I was literally freaking out. My fear was that Edward somehow took too much medicine and had a drug overdose and died.

The absolute worst feeling was I couldn't confirm if my theory was true or false. I couldn't just go over to Edward's to see if he was okay. He lived in another state, practically another world from me.

I hated not knowing what was going on his side of things or not having any control over our current situation.

It was about ten/ten thirty when I decided I had to try and go to bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow my phone started to beep, letting me know I had a text.

I jumped up and quickly read it. I could finally breath again as I saw the text was from Edward.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92: <strong>Hey, sorry I didn't write back, I just got your messages. I just woke up.

I immediately texted him back, feeling nervous energy run through my veins. I was relieved, scared and stressed all at the same time. I wanted Edward to know how I felt about him. I thought if anything ever did happen to him or me, I want him to at least know how I felt.

**Bellbs123: **Call me, right now.

* * *

><p>"Hey, I slept the whole day, I just got up." He said<p>

"I called you, I left you text messages, emails, I thought you had an overdose and died or something." I confessed, feeling my voice crack a little.

"I'm sorry."

"I want to tell you something. I… I love you." I stutter a little at the end, my voice full of emotion.

I was still tearing up. I wasn't sure if it was because I was relieved or because I was scared how Edward would take my comment.

"Well?" I finally asked, not liking the uncomfortable silence after I had just bare my soul.

"I have the biggest smile on my face." Edward replied.

"Well, I should get to bed, night, love you." I voiced, feeling the stress of earlier and the late hours getting to me.

"Night, love you too."

* * *

><p>I hated the torture I felt in those hours not hearing from Edward, thinking the worst, having it eat me inside. Yet, I was grateful for the experience because without which I might have never been brave enough or thought clear enough to know just how much I truly felt for Edward.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Note:<strong> Reviews please, they help push me to get out chapters faster. ;)


	14. The phone bill

Edward and I continued with our fifteen minute chats of how he his back was feeling and how our days were going. The only thing different was now we always ended our chats with I love you and usually started them with I missed you. I even started to use terms of endearment with Edward. Calling him babe and he kept to baby for me.

It was strange how easy it was becoming to say I love you now compared to the first time. I didn't have to be think about it, I didn't hesitate to text I love you. I just did it.

Of course I always waited for him to text it first before I replied with the same but the point was I was opening up to Edward in ways I didn't think possible. I always thought I was this broken person too screwed up to ever really let someone in, to truly care for an outsider but Edward helped me realize there was still hope.

I wasn't the unfixable, I just needed someone to show me love and be there for me to make me whole and fix what was once thought lost forever.

Everything seemed to be going so great for us. It didn't seem like anything could get in our way. We were a growing unstoppable force. Until the phone bill came to ruin everything.

* * *

><p><strong>September 21st <strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Hey, my phone is going to be off tomorrow due to a thousand dollar phone bill I received, until I can figure out how to pay it.

**Bellbs123: **Thousand dollars? How is that even possible?

**Edboy92: **My family and I used a device that supposedly gave us free wireless internet access from my laptop and phone. However, we were deceived by the phone people. They said it was free/ no additional charge and because of that, we went on it a lot and I used the internet on my phone etc… Recently, we found out it wasn't free and that we racked up a bill of a thousand dollars. My dad isn't happy about it.

**Bellbs123: **That sucks. Okay, well I guess I'll talk to you later on then.

**Edboy92:** Okay, Love you. Night.

**Bellbs123:** Love you too. Night.

* * *

><p>The first day without hearing from Edward was a bummer. I had hoped even though he said his phone would be off that somehow he could and would contact me, that didn't happen. I guess I couldn't be too upset though, he did forewarn me.<p>

The second day without hearing from Edward was the absolute worst. I was irritated at work, snapping at people. I couldn't wait to get home and see if Edward left me an email at least.

It wasn't till I got home and checked my email and saw that there was no message from him waiting for me, that it hit me.

I might never hear from Edward again.

I was never a lucky person and having Edward in my life gave me so much happiness and good moments. Maybe my luck ran out.

I started to cry at the realization.

I headed to my room upset and feeling utterly alone, more alone than I had felt in a long time. I curled up in my covers and cried and heaved and sniffed. My whole chest ached from the stress of the emotional pain.

I never had a person affect me so much.

I eventually fell asleep.

There were tearful moments here and there when I awoke, whether it was things I remembered or something I watched reminding me I was alone or the shitty what ifs again.

I literally felt like I was having withdrawals from Edward. I never relied on anyone for emotional support. However, I did with Edward.

He became my sunshine and when I didn't or couldn't hear from him it was like a storm cloud came over and stole my sun away. It didn't take much to make me miserable.

Nothing could make me happy anymore, not without Edward. Nothing ever lived up to him and what he gave me.

I was stuck in a really shitty, unhealthy place. One I thought only Edward could take me out of.

It wasn't till five days later that I finally hear from him.

* * *

><p><strong>September 26th <strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92: <strong>I love you more than you can imagine. It's going to be a couple more days till we can text okay. I miss you and love you.

**Bellbs123: **I miss you.

**Edboy92: **I miss you a lot more baby.


	15. The poem

**Bellbs123:** I wrote you this poem.

* * *

><p><em>I miss you<em>

_I miss you so much it hurts_

_I miss you so much I can't function_

_You're all I think about_

_I worry about you_

_Wondering if I will ever hear from you again'_

_Wondering if you're okay_

_Wondering if everything we had was real or if I was just imaging it_

_I feel alone, abandon and cold_

_I love you and I will always miss you_

_I think for once I actually miss you more_

_I want so much to hear your voice, to hear my text message ring go off_

_I'm nothing without you_

_You make me feel whole_

_I hate this quietness, this loneliness I feel_

_I need you_

_I need you so much_

_I want you to come back to me_

_I want to smile again_

_To feel butterflies in my stomach again_

_To feel giddy and flirty_

_I want to be happy and I want to be with you_

* * *

><p><strong>October 6<strong>**th**

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92: <strong>Thank you for the poem. I needed that. ;) It was beautiful.

**Bellbs123: **Lol, glad you liked it. It was cheesy I know.

**Edboy92: **It was from your heart, it's not cheesy. I love you.

**Bellbs123: **I love you too. ;) Miss you always.

**Edboy92: **I love you and I always miss you more.

* * *

><p>Edward still didn't have his phone bill situation taken care of. He told me that he had no internet access at home and he now had to go five miles into town just to contact me using WIFI at certain hangoutsfast-food places.

Unfortunately, he only got about five minutes to talk to me, due to the fact he only went in town with his family once a week and it was usually to run errands.

It seem like our chats were getting shorter and shorter every time. I hated it so. I couldn't wait for everything to get resolved and to have things back to the way they were between us.

I worked my brain trying to figure out a solution to our communication problems. I asked an online girl friend of mine for advice on the issue and she came up with the great idea to have us write letters to each other until Edward got things sorted out.

I told Edward the idea and he thought it was a great one too and agreed we should try it. With that taken care of it was time for him to head back home.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92: <strong>I got to go okay, I love you so much.

**Bellbs123:** I love you too. ;)

**Bellbs123:** I'll start working on my first letter to you now.

**Edboy92:** Okay baby love you, bye.


	16. Letter failure

I discarded paper after paper, trying to find the right words to put in my first letter to Edward. I wanted the letter to state the way he made me feel, something to make him smile when he read it. I wanted it to give him something to look forward to and to keep the faith with all the hurdles that were threatening to get in our way.

I was so used to working on a computer. It was difficult to get the flow of things on a piece of paper, there was no backspace or abc check and the writing wasn't magically neat.

I must have scrapped four pieces of balled up paper before I got the spelling errors taken care of and my writing as neat and nice as I could get it.

* * *

><p><em>Hey Babe,<em>

_I just want to say I'm glad I got to know you and saw the real you. I feel sorry for all those jerks from your school that never bothered to get to know you. They are the ones missing out, not you. You have a beautiful soul._

_I miss and love you._

_Bell_

* * *

><p>I wrote Edward a letter every day for a week straight. I figured that way we would each get to read a letter from each other every day or every other day.<p>

I felt like we were having a Dear John moment, lol.

I couldn't wait to receive my first letter from Edward. I was in need of some contact asap.

I was also nervously excited wondering what adventures and questions Edward might have for me to read or answer.

I couldn't wait to have a letter, a memorabilia from him. Something I could hold on to and read whenever I was feeling down in need of a lift. Something to remind me that someone out in the world cared and was thinking of me and thought I was important to them.

* * *

><p>It was two weeks later when I was heading home from work with my mom that I got a phone call from Edward. I was confused and excited all at the same time.<p>

"Hey, it's Edward."

"Hey, how are you calling me?"

"I'm using my grandma's phone. I got a couple of your letters."

"Oh, you did get them. I wasn't sure when I didn't get a response back."

"Yeah, can you please stop sending them?"

I was frustrated, confused and a little pissed off. There was no thank you; no, I'm going to write you back or my letter to you is in the mail, just a demand to stop sending letters.

I didn't understand what was going on. Edward thought it was great idea a while ago. Now all of a sudden he wanted the letters to stop?

"Why, what's wrong?"

"Well, I got some of your letters. I wasn't able to get them all. The post office wants to charge fifty bucks in order for me to get the rest of the letters. My dad is upset about this and the phone bill."

"Wait, your post office is charging you to take out your mail? That doesn't sound right? Why did you agree to writing letters in the first place if you couldn't receive them or send them out? This makes no sense, what about your regular bills, you telling me your post office is going to charge you for bills?" I argued.

"Our post office works different over here then where you are from. We can receive company bills but get charge for personal mail. I didn't find this out till just now."

I wanted to trust that Edward was telling me the truth. The whole thing just sounded so ridiculous.

However, I needed to be more opened minded, more trusting of him. He had always been honest with me, except the issue with the song lyrics but that was a long time ago and he proved his honesty and loyalty after that, time and time again.

After all, we were both from two different state and no two states did things the same way. I was sure Mississippi ran things quite different than Florida.

I knew Edward lived five miles from town too. Which probably meant the mailman did not drive all the way to their house every day to deliver mail. Edward and his family probably had a mail box at the post office and it probably filled up over time and they got charged for their mailbox being overfull.

That was my take on things. I never really got into it with Edward to clarify more because I was too upset at how shitty our luck was turning.

It just seemed like one bad thing after another was happening. We were running out of ways to talk to each other and I was running out of ideas and patience.

"I got a job." Edward said.

I let out a sigh out relief. Finally, some good news.

"That's great Edward."

"Yeah, I get paid every two weeks. So I should be able to get a phone then and call you."

I was happy to hear the good news but at the same time, they were predictions. Nothing was set in stone and Edward was not the best at predicting when our communication problems would be fixed.

He first thought it would be just four days but it had been a month and we still did not have things worked out.

I was happy for him for finding a job but I wasn't holding my breath on his prediction. He still had other things to take care of like paying his parents rent, paying off an outrageous phone bill and now the post office charges.

"I got to go. I'll talk to you later. I love you."

I was in the car with my mom while I talked to Edward. She knew nothing of us, other than he was a friend. She didn't know I loved him or him me. It was awkward to say the least.

I couldn't just come out and say I love you too, plus, Edward kind of pissed me off with his response to my letters, I didn't want to say it at that moment to him anyway.

"Yeah, bye."


	17. Tweets and heartbreak

As I predicted Edward did not live up to his two week promise. The weeks passed by without a word.

I tried to focus my time and energy on other stuff, like my writing and making videos but it was hard to get back into the groove of things and I was so depressed, stressed and worried all the time.

I still got my panicked thoughts of the possibility something happened to Edward or that he had died.

It really wasn't like me to be such a hypochondriac. I was actually quite the opposite.

I never used to panic and get so worried about someone but I think it was the combination of caring so deeply for Edward and not knowing what was going on in his world or having any control over it that scared me so.

Anything could have happened, anything was possible.

That's what bugged me the most, the fact that if something ever did go wrong, I wouldn't know. I never spoke to Edward's family, only him. I didn't have a way to contact someone and see if he was okay.

All I had was hope but even that was running out.

My online girl friend told me that there were online Obituaries if I was really worried about Edward's health.

It was a bittersweet sweet thing. I was scared to check but then relieved to find out Edward was not dead according to the online obituaries in Mississippi but at the same time it upset me that he had not bothered to contact me.

It's not like I was asking for a lot. I would have been just happy with an update here and there from him to let me know he was okay.

All I wanted was to know that he was alive and well.

I think I deserved at least that much.

* * *

><p>Days flew by and before I knew it, it was November.<p>

I started a twitter account in hopes to get out some hidden pain and frustration. Not being able to voice my thoughts and feelings to Edward was killing me.

I used my account almost like a journal or as if I was talking to Edward. It was the only thing that seemed to help ease some of my emotions, that and talking to my other online friend.

* * *

><p><strong>November 11<strong>**th**

_I miss him._

_Why do relationships have to be so freaken hard?_

_Long distance friendships/relationships, do they ever work?_

_Waiting for a call from my special friend that is a week over due._

_Days are longer, duller and irritating without him. ;(_

_Fingers crossed that I hear from him soon._

_Please don't give up on me, I need my friend. ;(_

* * *

><p><strong>November 12<strong>**th**

_How come whenever you get an email or text or letter or even a phone call it's never from the person you WANT to hear from?_

_Another day without HIM This lack of contact is getting old._

* * *

><p><strong>November 13<strong>**th**

_I'm freaken cursed when it comes to relationships, that's all I got to say._

_How many tears must one shed before they have no more tears left to cry?_

_Still waiting for my happily ever after._

_Waiting for someone to make a cure for LOVE._

* * *

><p><strong>November 14<strong>**th**

_Another Monday, another work day, another day without HIM._

* * *

><p><strong>November 15<strong>**th**

_Day # 23 without a word from E._

_Still no word disappointing._

* * *

><p><strong>November 16<strong>**th**

_Still no word from E._

_Hopefully he's not dead._

_For his sake he better call me soon or he'll wish he was dead._

* * *

><p><strong>November 18<strong>**th**

_Day 27, Edward where are you?_

_E- I HATE U and LOVE U at the same time._

* * *

><p><strong>November 19<strong>**th**

_Day 28 has come and gone, still no word._

_Shame on me for thinking I deserve to be happy._

_God has proved that theory wrong many times._

_I'm cursed 2 be unloved and miserable for life._

* * *

><p><strong>November 20<strong>**th**

_U took my heart n stomped on it._

_Shame on me for thinking you were different._

* * *

><p>I was starting to truly dislike Edward. He was doing the worst thing possible.<p>

He was proving my thoughts on guys, on him to be correct. I just wanted him to prove me wrong and fight for me. Show me he wasn't like the other guys and that I had him all wrong for the start.

Sadly, I was starting to think I was right all along, that all guys are selfish assholes. They don't want a girl unless they get something in return and they never seemed to give any effort in anything.

Well, if that's the case, then fuck that. I rather be single than deal with that bullshit.

* * *

><p><strong>Note:<strong> The anger has come to the surface. Lol. I want to hear your thoughts people and no, this is not the last time we hear from Edward, not yet, anyway.


	18. The bitch out

**November 23rd**

* * *

><p>I scrolled through my phone looking at the last digits Edward used to call me, which he told me was his grandma's number.<p>

I didn't want to bug her considering she didn't know me but at the same time I was desperate to know what was going on in Edward's world and if all was okay with him and his family and with us.

I was starting to feel like I was on my own, fighting a one way battle. I needed to know Edward was still trying to make things work between us.

* * *

><p>I was at work, nervously thinking things over in my head, worried about how I was going to address the situation at hand and explain it to Edward's grandma.<p>

I figured Edward would spend Thanksgiving with his family so the best time to reach his grandma would be today and then hopefully she could tell Edward I called the next day, Thanksgiving, when he hopefully saw her.

It was worth a shot.

I watched the clock tick away on the wall as I wondered if I should call at all or just wait a little longer for Edward to call me back.

A couple minutes later I made the decision to call.

I dialed the number seeking answers. Unfortunately, no one picked up, so I was left with leaving a message.

* * *

><p>"Hi, my name is Bella and I'm friends with your grandson Edward. I haven't heard from him in a while and I just want to make sure everything was okay with him and the family. If you could just tell Edward I called I would appreciate it. Thanks and happy holidays." I said, before hitting the end button and letting out a sigh I had been holding in.<p>

I started walking back to the building when my phone began to ring. I swear it had not even been five minutes after I left the message that I looked down to see Edward's grandma was calling me, according to my phone.

I quickly answered it.

"Hello?"

"Hey Bell."

I couldn't believe my ears, it was HIM.

"Edward? What are you doing with this phone? I thought this was your grandma's number?" I challenged, confused and a little ticked off that he answered the phone so easily, yet never bothered to call me in over a month.

"It is my grandma's phone. Our house phone broke and my grandma lent us her cell for a while. My mom heard your message and gave me the phone to call you." Edward explained.

I was pissed, truly pissed. Here he was with a use of a phone and he never even thought to call me and let me know he was okay.

What the hell was wrong with him?

Here I was worried sick about him and the possible awful things that could have happened to him and he was sitting on his ass and twiddling his fingers for all I knew.

"We need to talk." I demanded, trying hard to hold back on yelling at him.

"We are talking." He said dumbfounded.

I looked over at a coworker walking a dog and walked past the gated yard, closing the gateway entrance behind me, walking to the back of the building till I had complete privacy.

"No, we need to talk, talk." I clarified, finding a spot on the edge of the grass to side down on.

"Do you know the hell you have put me through?" I stressed, finding myself crying from being so emotionally drained.

"I'm sorry, it's hasn't been easy for me either. I lost my job. I just feel like I took two steps back. I don't know what to say." Edward said in a relaxed voice.

"Have you cried at all, do you even care? I mean, you just sound so laid back right now, like Hey dude." I asked, upset at how calm he was being.

"Of course I care. That's just how I am, you know that." He replied.

It was true, Edward did say he was closed off to people with emotions and so was I usually.

However, Edward was able to affect me, break my walls down. I guess, I thought he felt the same about me.

I thought if he cared as much as he preached and was able to open up to me on the internet he would be able to show me some emotion over the phone besides the occasionally, stressed out sigh.

I mean, if you love someone and you haven't heard from them in over a month, wouldn't you worry shitless about them? Wouldn't you be so upset? Wouldn't you sound happy or relieved to hear from them after all that time?

The way Edward sounded on the phone was so casual, as if, it didn't matter if he heard from me or not. That really fucking hurt.

"Why didn't you write me a letter back? I argued.

No response.

"Why couldn't you just send me an email once a week when you went into town with your family?"

"Then I would have to bring my laptop with me." He complained.

"So? Then bring your laptop with you, how hard is that?" I bickered, upset.

Edward let out a sigh.

"You're my motivation to get up every morning."

"That's sad, that you need someone to motivate you. You should motivate yourself." I said completely fed up with his crap.

"Yeah, I know."

"You sound like your giving up." I confessed.

"I don't know what to do." He stressed.

"You have to fight and not give up. You have to do things because no one else is going to do them for you."

"I do. I have been. All my life I have had to do things. I never had it easy." Edward stressed.

"I don't even know what to say." I replied, losing hope myself.

Edward was not making anything easy. Life or Faith wasn't making anything easy either.

I love him though. I knew that and I was willing to still hold on and fight if he was willing to. I just needed to know I wasn't alone.

"What do you want?" He asked, as if I could fill in the blanks and give him the answers to his problems or something.

"You know what I want, what do you want Edward?" I said annoyed.

"I want you!" He yelled, somewhat irritated himself.

It sucked. We were heading nowhere fast. In fact, we were hiding nowhere at all.

We were running out of ways to contact each other and Edward and I both were losing hope, patience and the will to try.

It was sad to see something we once had that was so beautiful and precious, crumbling before my very eyes. Something I put some much time, heart and energy towards.

"Well, I should be able to text you tomorrow, if not, Saturday." Edward claimed, trying to fix his lack of contact.

"Okay, bye, Love you." I replied emotionlessly.

"Bye, love you too."

* * *

><p>I wasn't even sure if Edward would text me as he promised. I was just glad I got everything I had been holding in, off my chest.<p>

I didn't feel one hundred percent better, but I felt relieved to get everything out in the open and let Edward know what I had been feeling and getting some insight into his world was a plus.

At least I knew he wasn't dead.


	19. The fighter in me

Despite my negative, doubtful thoughts of Edward's effort, I tried to remain hopeful and give him the chance to prove himself worthy of my time and love.

It was only human to make mistakes and take things for granted when they came easy. Now that things were becoming a challenge, it was time for Edward to show me that he did care and put the effort in.

What's that saying? "Actions speak louder than words."

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 24<strong>**th**** Thanksgiving Day**

* * *

><p>I waited and waited and waited some more for my phone to ring, beep or buzz. Do anything to show some sign of life, nothing happened.<p>

It was a harsh reality I was being faced with, with it being the day for being grateful for the things I had, one which I thought was Edward and I was starting to think I didn't have him anymore.

* * *

><p>Saturday came and again, no call, text or email.<p>

I couldn't understand how someone could claim to love another and then walk away when things got tough.

That moment in a relationship were , the REAL you comes out and you have to prove your love and your dedication to that person and they just run away, as if they could get over that person so easily. As if they had never loved them at all.

I never understood that.

I was a fighter.

I always fought for what I wanted or believed in, especially if I was passionate enough about it.

If I didn't get what I wanted, I fought till I either got it or I failed and moved on to something else.

That was the thing, I never gave up, and I always tried.

I guess Edward wasn't a fighter.

I wanted to overcome our troubles because I believed in what we had was strong enough to last the turmoil.

I wouldn't have cared if we never met in person. Having an online relationship would have been enough for me because Edward was able to make me feel so much with just our online chats.

It just seemed so stupid and thoughtless to give all that up. In reality, all Edward needed was a job to pay off his bills and eventually talk to me again. Plus, there was FREE internet use called WIFI till he got his shit together.

I didn't understand why he was making things more difficult than they had to be.

I was willing to try for Edward, even if it killed me and it was becoming pretty obvious he wasn't.

I decided to write him an email, hoping he would see it and respond back with an agreement of some sort or actually fight back, telling me he wanted this too.

* * *

><p><em>Edward,<em>

_I have come to a realization. I know you have lots of money problems at the moment and have an issue with contacting me, so here's the deal; I am going to STOP contacting you and go on with my life. _

_I tried as hard as I could to keep our relationship/friendship going with no results. I'm not blaming you, I'm sure you have tried with all your might to keep in touch; at least I hope you have. _

_Either way, we cannot keep a friendship going if we can never get in touch with each other. Please don't think this is what I wanted. This is NOT what I want. I want to keep in touch with you but obstacles keep getting in the way making it impossible to._

_It really is a shame that it has to come to this. You are the only person I have EVER fully opened up to and felt a real connection with. I hate to lose that. You are also someone who has made me smile and happy. _

_That first month we talked was one of the happiest of my life, so thank you for that. I still love that side of you and I'm sure I will miss you, I already do. I'm flattered that I motivated you and I hope I have made you as happy as you made me during our chats. _

_I hope everything works out for you financially and that one day you will be able to contact me again when you do overcome your problems and need/want a friend to talk with, just know I'll be here._

_Take care,_

_Bella_

* * *

><p><strong>Note:<strong> Are we crying yet? Lol. Warning to all readers, this story only gets sadder as we carry on. It's up to you if you want to stick around to see how it all ends or leave now. Reviews keep my spirits up. ;)


	20. Finding comfort in my pillow

***** I have to visit family later and can't update tonight. So lucky for you guys, you get this chapter early.*****

* * *

><p>Minutes became hours, days, weeks without a sign of life from Edward's end.<p>

It didn't matter what I did. I still felt heartbroken and scared of the unknown.

I still felt a burden on my shoulders, pain in my chest and a buildup of emotions in my gut.

I just wanted the pain and stress to go away, I wanted things to work out but if that couldn't happen I at least wanted closure.

Without a word from Edward, not knowing if he got my email, not knowing if we had an understanding, I felt stuck.

I needed closure to move on or I needed him to show me he was trying, for me to want to fight too.

I needed something.

I took my anger and pain out in my pillow. I brought the padded cushion up to my face and muffled the screams that came out of my mouth.

Using the pillow for relief was short lived but it helped somewhat. It helped get out my built up emotions but It still didn't help me find a solution to my problems.

I wanted Edward and my parting to be a mutual thing but I was starting to realize I was going to have to do the hard work myself.

I was left to be the brave one and deal with the hard shit on my own while Edward ran scared.

What do you do in a situation like this?

Do you ignore the obvious?

Do you hope for a miracle?

Do you go with your heart or your head?

Do you fight for someone who is clearly not fighting for you or do you become the bigger person with this tag a long, sick game and finally end things?

After all Edward was only nineteen. He never experienced love before, much like me.

There was no guide book out there to tell you how you should be feeling or what to do in certain situations. Everyone dealt with love differently. Some ran towards it, others away from it.

You were on your own to feel and experience everything in your own way. It was your job to keep things going, no one else's.

I was willing to be the braver, stronger one for Edward. I was willing to wait for him to wake the fuck up and realize what he had before he lost it forever and resented himself later for that.

I did what most people don't do.

I thought of things from Edward's point of view and what I would want if I was in his shoes and TRYING, as he claimed to be doing.

If I was trying and just having really shitty luck with life, I would want that other person to never give up on me, especially if I had no one else in the world to be there for me beside family.

I, myself, have been there and one of the worst feelings in the world is to feel alone.

I wanted Edward to know I was there for him in his world that seemed to be full of bad luck, stress and pain. I wanted him to know I was different from the rest and that he could count on me.

I just hoped he would return the gesture one day soon.

* * *

><p><strong>Note:<strong> Review.


	21. The poem I never sent

**Some time in December**

* * *

><p>I wrote another poem about Edward. Unlike the last one, I never sent it and it had a much different vibe going on.<p>

* * *

><p><em>It should be you here comforting me, hugging me<em>

_I shouldn't have to scream into a pillow and cry myself to sleep as a way to get comfort_

_Where are you?_

_I trusted you and you did exactly what you said you would never do_

_You hurt me more than anyone else_

_If I didn't love you, I would hate you_

_If I didn't need you, I would punch you and push you away_

* * *

><p>I was losing everything; hope, patience and Edward.<p>

Having no contact for weeks or months apart was beginning to feel like the normal thing for Edward's and my relationship. It was pissing me off. I wanted things back to the way they once were.

I went back to twitter when Edward did not bother to contact me or reply to my last email.

* * *

><p><strong>December 3<strong>**rd**

* * *

><p><em>Day 29 screaming inside, cursing your name from my lips.<em>

_Why do u hurt me so and think nothing of it?_

* * *

><p><strong>December 8<strong>**th**

* * *

><p><em>It has been 2 weeks since I last heard a peep from E. I wouldn't feel so shitty if I knew I wasn't alone in this because right now I do.<em>

* * *

><p><strong>December 9<strong>**th**

* * *

><p><em>Edward where the heck are u?<em>

* * *

><p><strong>December 14<strong>**th**

* * *

><p><em>Not being able to voice be heard by THAT special person is one of the worst and most frustrating feelings in the world._

* * *

><p>Though I was feeling crappy and very much alone I couldn't stay mad at Edward. I don't know what it was but Edward had some kind of magically pull over me.<p>

I was afraid to be stay mad at him, afraid I would push him away.

I was good at pushing people away.

I wanted to keep Edward in my life. I wanted him to want to be a part of my life.

It was frustrating wanting to fix things between Edward and I and no having a clue how to.

Truth was, I couldn't do anything more than I had already done. The ball was in Edward's court.

It was all up to him to make us work and find a way out of his money dilemma.

With Christmas coming up, I wanted Edward and I to work things out before the holidays hit. I would be so depressing and incomplete without him.

I wasn't sure if it was the thought of spending the holidays alone or the thought of better days but I sent Edward yet another email, hoping to hear back.

* * *

><p><strong>December 21<strong>**st**

* * *

><p><em>Hey stranger,<em>

_You probably won't get this but I just wanted to say Merry Christmas and I hope you get what you wanted. ;)_


	22. We are over

**December 26****th**

* * *

><p><em>Women have more emotions than men becuz men wouldn't know how to handle all of them.<em>

* * *

><p>I had hoped I would hear from Edward by New Year's Eve. Yes, that's right. I still hoped. Even when everything was looking very doubtful and grim, I still hoped.<p>

I wished more than anything that Edward would text me or call me. If anything I thought he would want to start the New Year with me, not leave me in the past.

I figured Edward would give me some excuse by now. He didn't.

He didn't call, text, nothing.

I spent the New Year's Eve alone and reluctant of what the New Year would hold.

* * *

><p><strong>January 2<strong>**nd**

* * *

><p><em>My heart is NOT for sale, and even if it was you couldn't afford it.<em>

_I guess I'm undesirable to every fuckin man alive, even the fuckin short, chubby, unattractive guys. Fuck my life!_

* * *

><p><strong>January 3<strong>**rd**

* * *

><p>My boss gave everyone at work an Outback Steakhouse gift card for the holidays. After work, I decided to use it with my mom for dinner.<p>

I needed something to cheer me up after the way I had been feeling lately and fattening, good tasting food seem like the way to go.

I never liked eating inside restaurants or going places and plus, I was tired from work. I opted for getting our food to go so we could go back to my apartment and watch a movie and relax while we had dinner.

I tried to act normal around my mom considering she didn't know anything about what was going with me mentally. However, she could tell I was spaced out and not happy.

She knew Edward was my friend and he hadn't contacted me for some time but that was it. She didn't know I loved him or him me or that we had one fucked up relationship going on.

I'm sure she had a notion about what was going on but nothing confirmed.

* * *

><p>We were in the car waiting for our food to be ready when she asked me how my day went at work and if I had heard anything from my friend. Suddenly I cracked and I started to cry in front of her.<p>

I told her that I haven't heard from him in a long time and that it sucked because he made me happy and smile and I 'm never happy or smile and that I missed him.

I still didn't tell her I loved him but I don't think I needed to. She could tell Edward affected me deeply.

At the end of my confession, we were both stressed and unable to answer the question of why Edward had stop contacting me. We got our food and headed to my place.

It drove me nuts not having any answers yet again. I decided enough was enough. I was going to call and demand some answers.

* * *

><p>My mom began to eat her meal as I went outside in the cool night air to have some privacy while calling Edward.<p>

It was really cold out for Florida temperature, it was in the fifties. My hands were numb and shaking a little from a mixture of the cold and my nerves getting to me.

I took a seat on the steps on the third floor as I dialed Edward's grandma's phone, the one that Edward's parents were using for the moment.

I called early in the day and left a message asking if Edward and his family were okay. Asking if someone could call me back and let me know. I never got a call back.

That should have been proof enough for me that I wasn't going to hear from him.

However I didn't want to believe Edward was purposely ignoring me.

He wasn't that kind of person. There had to be a reason for the lack of contact.

* * *

><p>I waited for someone to pick up the phone for the second time of the day and again, no one answered. So I left a message, ending our friendship.<p>

I didn't even mean to, but I start to cry as I left the message making my words crack. It wasn't till then that it really hit me, that it was over between Edward and me.

* * *

><p>"Edward I have… I have tried to make this friendship work for a long time and it is clear you haven't. You got your wish, this is over. Have a nice life. Bye Edward."<p>

* * *

><p>When I got back to my apartment I went one step further and wrote Edward another fucking email, just in case he saw the email before he heard the message.<p>

* * *

><p><em>We Are Over<em>

_I have cared and tried to make this friendship work time and time again but it's pretty clear you haven't. I'm not giving up, you gave up a long time ago. I'm moving on and you should do the same. I could be a bitch but I rather be nice, I think it stings better this way._

_Happy early Birthday and have a nice life._

_Bye, Edward_

* * *

><p>I was so pissed I even tweeted.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>January 3<strong>**rd**

* * *

><p>.<p>

_Edward showed me his true colors and they were ugly. Fuck men!_

* * *

><p><strong>January 4<strong>**th**

* * *

><p><em>Fuck u E for wasting my time and feelings!<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Note:<strong> Sad story but it's not over yet. There is still more grieving to come, that is, if you can handle it.


	23. My friend, my shrink

**January 12****th**

* * *

><p>With no word or sign of life from you know who, I turned to my other online friend, Alice, for comfort.<p>

She had been by my side through my whole ordeal with Edward. She had been there since the first time we started talking online.

I told her everything about him, my worries, and my moments of joys/sadness/frustration. I even went to her for advice.

She was not only my friend; she had become basically my shrink, in my time of need.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123<strong>

_I haven't thought about him in a while. It would just be nice to know there was someone out there that I left an impression on, that can't get enough of me. I thought that was…him._

_It just sucks going to all these places/doing all these things and nothing fills that spot in my heart that is missing. That want, that need to have someone I'm attracted to want me in their life and love me with no obligations. I hope there are better times to come and that god does have a plan or faith does and that one day I just met a guy that blows me away with his personality and physical appearance and is just as into me._

_You know? Someone you just instantly click with and know they are someone special. I'm trying to stay positive and be patience but it's hard. I guess things will happen when the time is right._

_I always been a loner and liked it. I just never thought it would bite me in the ass one day._

_Edward was the only guy who showed interest in me and wanted to have me in his life. I took a chance and I got screwed over._

_I thought because he had flaws and wasn't perfect and was honest with me, that he would never hurt me, I was wrong. It's scary to think even the nice guys can break your heart too._

* * *

><p><strong>Alicewit123 <strong>

_Guys are assholes. There are good ones. We have to take on that challenge of finding them. If we put in the work- We'll win. But we are lazy too. We want fast. Asses are fast. The good ones are just like us. A challenge. But so worth the wait. They are out there. Let the quest begin._

* * *

><p><strong>January 17<strong>**th**** (Tweet)**

* * *

><p><em>The more I hear about guys the less appealing they become. What happened to the men of today? They are all boys! I didn't sign up from this.<em>

* * *

><p>In a moment of sadness and desperation I emailed Edward one final time.<p>

* * *

><p><strong><em>January 26th<em>**

* * *

><p><em>I miss u<em>

_I hate that you have this effect on me._

* * *

><p><strong>January 30<strong>**th**** (Tweet)**

* * *

><p><em>Why are women forgetful by men and men remembered well by women? Do men not have enough brain cells to remember? Lol.<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123<strong>

_This sucks, I've been doing really good with NOT thinking about E but things keep popping up in my head that make it hard to forget him, especially with it being January._

_We were supposed to meet originally in Jan. His birthday is tomorrow. My b-day is coming up and I still silently hope to hear from him on my b-day but I know that's not going to happen. Oh, and let's not forget that Valentine's Day is almost here. _

_The one year I thought I might actually have a valentine and that's now crushed._

_How is it that guys have a way of leaving an everlasting effect/impression on women but yet it is soo easy for guys to forget about us?_

* * *

><p><strong>Alicewit123<strong>

_E is definitely gone. He is never coming back. It's been long enough that you are just now grieving the loss._

_Before you had hope, but you are finally giving it up. There are many ways he could have contacted you, if he wanted too. He obviously doesn't. _

_Sorry to be blunt but it's true. He doesn't deserve even one iota of your concern and especially your love. Save it for someone more worthy._

_I won't have a valentine either this year. We can be each other's._

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123<strong>

_Okay, I'll ask then, will you be my friend Valentine? Girl power! Lol._

_Thanks for the Valentine offer, it cheered me up. I never had someone ask or suggest being my valentine whether it is a guy or just a friend._

_It's nice for a change._

_Hugs ;)_

* * *

><p><strong>Note: <strong>There are about 3 chapters left. I want reviews before this story is over. Pretty please. ;)


	24. What it's like

You want to know what it's like?

* * *

><p>You never get any flattering comments to your face. You only get them by text or computer. You're never able to see the one you love face to face, never get to physically touch them. It's a fucking tease and a head fuck.<p>

Then you go days/weeks without a word thinking something awful happened. You cry yourself to sleep almost every night.

You're pissed/stressed and sad all the time, wondering when they are going to contact you or if they are ever going to. Someone who you used to talk to by text or computer all day long, every day to nothing at all.

Finally, you have to end the fucked up relationship/friendship because you realized you have just as much as a relationship with them as talking to a fucking wall.

Then you grasp the fact that you're back to square one, all alone.

Oh, and this experience being your first with a guy and love.

* * *

><p>What's the point of being in love if you can't fully express it?<p>

* * *

><p>I miss the easiness of talking to him. It's so hard for me to talk to people and feel comfortable and with E it got to the point it was almost effortless and our conversations would just flow.<p>

I miss that.

I want to have someone who I love and is not obligated to love me, love me back. I want the full effect of love, seeing each other face to face, kissing and loving holds and sweet words.

It sucks because there was promise; I thought and now… we're not even friends. Nothing.

One of the hardest things is readjusting your life after a person leaves it. Trying to find things to do to fill that space in your life and distract you from what is now gone.

* * *

><p>I'm 27, another year without ever having a man in my life. How depressing is that?<p>

You know that question they ask you when you're in school, where you see yourself in 10 years from now?

I always thought I would have a bf by the age of 18 and here I am 27 and no one.

It so sad and frustrating as hell. I never thought it would turn out this way, if I did, I would have ran to escape it.

* * *

><p><strong>Note:<strong> Two chps left. I tell you my predictions and what I learned. Review please.


	25. Not so happy ending and predictions

**Late February**

* * *

><p>I wish I could say everything worked out in the end and that Edward kept to his promise and contacted me but that didn't happen.<p>

It's been four months since I last heard a word from Edward.

At this point he might as well be dead because he's dead in my world.

It's a sad and unfortunate thing to give your heart to someone and have them take advantage of it.

* * *

><p>Everyone says they want their happy ending.<p>

Happy ends aren't reality. In fact, there is no such thing as a happy ending.

The close of something is never happy.

Endings are never happy, when someone dies or leaves you, it's a heartbreaking ending.

So why do people still say they want their happy endings?

Why not want a happy beginning or happy forever?

Why would you want things to end period?

That phrase should really be changed.

* * *

><p>It's very rare for things to turn out the way you expect them to or the way you want them to.<p>

I mean, for example look at Pretty Women, one of my favorite movies.

How often does something like that happen to someone?

An attractive, too smart for her own profession, hooker and an attractive, rich guy fall in love.

In reality, neither would be good-looking. The hooker would probably be a crack whore. The guy probably wouldn't be rich and he would probably be a real ass. Their time together would not last a week much less a lifetime. The only things they would exchange beside money and sex would possibly be a disease.

Charming thought, right?

Hey, it's reality.

Maybe that's why so many of us seek fantasy because real life just doesn't even compare to it.

* * *

><p>As for what happened to Edward, God only knows.<p>

My theory is that deep down Edward did want a relationship between us to work BUT I think once things got complicated and didn't come so easily and it wasn't so much fun anymore and he had to actually PROVE himself and TRY, he ran.

* * *

><p><strong>Note:<strong> One chapter left.


	26. Lessons learned

I still have questions that cloud my brain from time to time about Edward.

I wonder if he's happy.

I wonder what he's doing with his life.

I wonder if he thinks of me.

I wonder if he regrets the way he ignored me or if he thinks he has done nothing wrong.

I wonder if he cares, if he even remembers me.

I wonder if he has moved on or if he still thinks things are okay between us.

Sometimes I wonder if I was too hard on Edward with my expectations.

Other times, I wondered if I was too easy on him.

* * *

><p>In the end, I could only do what I felt was right and express what was in my heart.<p>

The shocking thing is that I don't have any regrets. I tried with all my might, loved with all my heart and that's all I can do; the rest is up to faith.

The heartbreak was awful but the moments of happiness were priceless.

* * *

><p>I have learned that sometimes things don't work out even when you put the effort into them. Sometimes things are just not meant to be.<p>

I also learned nothing last forever. I wished that wasn't true but sooner or later all things come to an end and it's how you deal with the loss that makes you or breaks you.

Lastly, I learned just how strong I am emotionally. I never thought I was very strong, crying myself to sleep, depending on someone's love to fix me.

However, I am strong. I did what I thought would be nearly impossible, I survived.

* * *

><p>Maybe one day I will be lucky enough to fall for someone who will love me back equally and won't be afraid to fight back.<p>

Only time will tell what the future holds.

**The End.**

* * *

><p><strong>Note:<strong> Please Review! I would love to hear your thoughts on this chp as well as what you thought of the story all together. ;)


	27. The message

The beeping noise went off on my phone alerting me I had a message. I remember when I used to rush to see who it was, hoping it was Edward but knowing better. I have been through hell and back and had yet to see the finish line for the bullshit and drama in my life.

I asked god for a sign, to help me out of my jam, to end the misery and bring the happiness back. It was pointless though and I knew it.

Hope was pointless.

I had hoped to hear from Edward for **THREE MONTHS** and look where it got me, nowhere.

* * *

><p>I slowly sat up in bed and reached over to the night stand and grabbed my phone bringing it over to my eye sight, so I could see who messaged me.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Hey, sorry I know it's been awhile. I'm in a much better position. How are you? I miss you.

* * *

><p>"Oh my god." I keep saying over and over to myself.<p>

I couldn't believe it. Edward wrote me back after **THREE MONTHS**, he wrote me.

I kept reading his message over and over in disbelief. The words **BEEN AWHILE** stood out.

The more I looked at it the more upset I became. Tears rolled down my cheeks.

"Been awhile? Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?" I vented.

* * *

><p><strong>Note:<strong> Next chapter will go back about a months' time before Edward contacts. Reviews wanted.


	28. Meeting new people

**March 1, 2012**

It was hard getting over Edward. To be honest, I still wasn't completely over him but I was trying to forget him and move on with all my might. I tried to keep busy, spending my free time talking to my online girlfriends and working on stories or spending time with family.

* * *

><p>I had three good online girlfriends I talked with from time to time.<p>

There was Alice, who was an older mother of one and on her way to getting a divorce.

Rose, the beautiful young lady, who was standoffish from love due to past bad experiences.

Lastly there was Esme, a sweet young mother of one and having a hard time finding love.

We had three things in common, we all had heartbreak and dealt with jerks and were on the search for finding love.

They were great supporters of mine and tried their hardest to lift me up whenever I was upset and thinking back to Edward.

* * *

><p>I had been trying to reach out on the internet and make some guy friends because I was missing that attention and the flirtiness I once had with Edward but it was not going to well.<p>

I went on Omegle and it was basically a sex chat place. That was all guys wanted to chat about. Sex.

I asked five guys on Facebook to be friends and I didn't hear back.

I even asked a guy who I talked to once on a fanfiction site and it turned out he was a 13 year old boy!

I had the worst luck with guys.

* * *

><p>I was starting to realize that there were no romantic, charming guys anymore. There were no Romeo's or prince charming's coming to rescue the badly treated women and sweep them off their feet. This was reality, full of sex, jerks and lies and it sucked.<p>

* * *

><p>Sometimes I just felt like saying fuck it and just give up.<p>

I haven't had things work out right in a long time.

It was hard to keep going. Things weren't looking to good for me in the relationship department.

* * *

><p><strong>Note: I made a little mistake it was three months almost four that Edward and Bella had last spoke. I put four months in some chapters, others I wrote three. It was three. Not a big deal just in case you were wondering. <strong>Reviews wanted.


	29. Guy friends are hard to find

**March 5th**

* * *

><p>I believe that what's meant to be will be.<p>

If a guy saw me and thought I was appealing I believe he would let me know and try to get with me, which has never happened.

It's like that saying you won't find love if you are looking for it.

It comes when you least expect it and it's true that happened with me and Edward.

* * *

><p>I was starting to think making guy friends was hopeless till my friend, Esme, told me about a site that was good for making friends.<p>

My mission was to find a guy friend that I could possibly flirt with to help the gap Edward left in my life.


	30. Emmett

**March 7**

* * *

><p>Before I knew it, I made a guy friend on that site my friend gave me. His name was Emmett and he was very flirty guy who loved to talk about sex related things.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Note:<strong> Edward should be back in either the next chp or the one after that. Stay tuned. Review please; I like to know people are reading this and that I'm not just writing this for any reason at all. Thank you


	31. A familiar stranger returns

**March 11**

* * *

><p>Edward wrote me this morning. I couldn't believe it. After all this time that has passed. He hasn't talked to me in over 3 months and out of the freaken blue he sends me an email.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> _Hey, sorry I know it's been awhile. How are you? I miss you._

* * *

><p>Are you kidding me?<p>

I just got used to him not talking to me and he sends me this shit acting like everything is fine between us.

I WONDER IF HE BUMPED HIS HEAD ON SOMETHING.

Anyway, I wrote him back asking for him to give me an explanation as to why he never contacted me and asked if he still wanted to be friends.

His response was one freaken word. OK.

Are you kidding me? Ok? Ok what? Ok you want to be friends or ok you don't?

I'm not holding my breath for him anymore.

If I still held my breath for him I would be dead by now, waiting.

I'm actually surprised he remembered me and bothered to email me at all.

* * *

><p>I often thought why couldn't I just be gay? Then I wouldn't have to deal with guys bs and a woman would understand my needs.<p>

I could never be gay though I unfortunately like men too much.

* * *

><p>Edward wrote me back and said he was sorry and he didn't have an excuse and that he didn't have an internet source.<p>

He has said sorry but it was so brief. I figured he would actually write me a couple of sentences saying he was sorry after all we have been through but no.

Men suck! I haven't found a decent one yet.

* * *

><p><strong>Note: <strong>Review.


	32. Feelings change, people don't

**March 12**

* * *

><p>Edward said he wanted to be friends and that he was sorry and didn't have an excuse for abandoning me for three months.<p>

I realized later last night when telling another friend about the issue that it doesn't matter whether E was telling me the truth or not, he's not the guy for me.

It wasn't worth getting involved in that mess again.

I mean, what has changed? The answer: NOTHING, except my feelings for him.

E didn't even remember my birthday. ;(

I remembered his and he couldn't remember mine.

That sent up a red flag right there.

He may have said the right things in the beginning and put a smile on my face but it quickly turned to misery and stress. Who needs that?

He still didn't even have a job.

* * *

><p>Anyway it's better now that I have Emmett because I have a guy friend to flirt with and make me feel better and I have my girlfriends to talk to about normal stuff.<p>

Edward sounded like he was full of shit from time to time.

The more I thought about the situation the more fed up I was getting.

Like the damn mailbox excuse.

Telling me that the post office was charging him to get his mail fifty bucks. Please, I find that hard to swallow.

Like when I cried into the phone to him and he didn't change his damn flat tone once, he didn't even try to comfort me, jackass.

And all the messages and emails I left when he disappeared and he ignored.

* * *

><p><strong>Note:<strong> I want reviews. Love to hear your thought on this Edward character, Bella, her friends or your predictions of what will happen later on.


	33. The more the merrier

**Note: **Enjoy and Review.

* * *

><p><strong>March 13<strong>

* * *

><p>Edward later told confessed he still loved me, asked himself many times why he did what he did and that he was heartbroken and wanted me back.<p>

I said we could be friends and nothing else.

* * *

><p>Yesterday Emmett kind of crossed the line of being disrespectful. We were having communication issues and he usually calls me Sexy. I'm sure he calls every girl he talks to that. He says it all the time to the point that word is getting old but it's still nice to hear.<p>

He tends to lead the conversation to sex chat. I let it slide one day; I probably should have put my foot down. It wasn't too bad; most of it was innocent for the most part.

* * *

><p>Anyway, last night he was on that site and he freaken greeted me Pussybabe.<p>

Really? That is gross and disrespectful.

I talked to Edward again last night, he said he could talk nights so I guess this is going to become a regular thing now but again not holding my breath.


	34. Sexting and feelings

**March 16**

* * *

><p>Edward never wrote me again. Same old, same old. I'm not surprised. (Roll eyes)<p>

What happened to the good old days were men chased women? Why, oh why, are men making women do all the damn work now? (Venting.)

* * *

><p>I wrote of possibility exchanging numbers to text each other and Emmett didn't even hesitate. Lol (smile)<p>

He said he couldn't text at the moment so hopefully later we can. He called me, I hate when guys call me. I never know what to say. It's so nerve racking.

He of course had an accent and was a little hard to understand but seemed nice. I told him I don't like talking on the phone and that I had to get ready for work which was true but I was also nervous. He said he just wanted to talk a little bit. He ask how I was, it was really sweet.

As sad as that might be, I never had a guy care about how my day is going not since...HIM. (ROLL EYES)

I told him we'll talk later and he said he missed me which was really sweet again, of course I said it first online but he was the first to say it over the phone, that's something right?

Whatever, it's stupid I get so giddy over such normal things but it really brightened up my day. I thought I lost him there for a moment.

* * *

><p>God, I can be so mature sometimes and others I'm like such a kid.<p>

Why do we as women always need answers and why do men always never give them to us?

If only we didn't give a shit, like them.

I never got what it was about pussy that guys go crazy over. To them it's pussy or death.

That's what screws us all over, the guys need the sexual and the girls need the emotional. In my opinion anyway.


	35. Vulnerability is scary

**Warning: **This chapter and other chapters might be hard to read due to the fragileness and desperation shown in Bella. It might make you feel uncomfortable to read this chapter. I admit I have a hard time rereading some of these chapters, remembering some of my lovely experiences with guys.

* * *

><p><strong>March 17th<strong>

* * *

><p>Emmett and I sext again online and then he called me to say good night which I told him had to be quick because I needed to get to bed. He ended up trying to keep me on the phone. He said he just wanted to hear my sexy voice.<p>

I stayed on, thinking he wanted to talk about something but it was just small talk.

He said he liked my smile, I asked if he was looking at my pic off of fb, he said no that he could hear my smile. (It remembered me a lot of something Edward has said to me in the past; it was sweet but kind of brought me back to Edward and all the crap I went through with him.)

He started on the meeting crap again and I put him in his place on that issue and told him you can never trust someone online never know if they are a murderer or rapist. He laughed at that but said he understood and the subject was dropped.

We got on the Edward issue a little bit. He asked me to open my heart to him. (Roll eyes, I kept thinking, you want me to open my legs to you, not heart.)

Then he said I shouldn't put him in the same place I put Edward, like prejudge him. (Which I guess is true but I still don't trust him.)

Emmett is a really nice guy and all but very sexual and we never talk much about life stuff, only a handful of times, we mainly stay on sexting/flirting, which I admit isn't all his fault.

However, it's hard to trust a guy's intentions with his mind and mouth always on sex.

I told him I was using him emotionally, missing the flirting/sexting stuff I had once with Edward and he was using me for more physical stuff. (It might have been too honest and stupid to say such things to a guy, that we are using each other only, but it's true and I can't lie.)

I told him he was nice though.

I bet if I did act like my normal self he would grow bored or annoyed and not want to chat anymore.

It's fine with me though, I'm getting what I want out of talking to Emmett.

He so far seems consistent with meeting our set times to talk and talking with me every night, has a job, and turns me on. Which is more than I could say for Edward.

So win, win.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I hate nights, why are they always so damn lonely? Days are fine you can always find thing to keep busy but nights truly suck.

* * *

><p><strong>Embabe34: <strong>If we were now together I would keep you busy for sure sexy

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I meant more on the emotional base not physical

The silence sucks

Be alone emotionally sucks

I don't know

I used to talk to Edward online or the phone late at night

That helped a little

Sorry, pmsing

* * *

><p><strong>Embabe34: <strong>pmsing ?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> means period

never mind'

Sorry, I'm kind of a mess emotionally I guess I should have warned u from the start

* * *

><p><strong>Embabe34: <strong>Its ok sexy don't worry

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I have a question

Do you ever cum when I sext u?

* * *

><p><strong>Embabe34:<strong> Sometimes sexy and you

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123: <strong>Not during, when I go to bed I get myself off. I was just curious because every time I ask if you came your answer is nope. For a moment I thought I was doing it for nothing. I rather u told me when u did cum if u ever do, so I know when to stop sexting. I never know.

* * *

><p><strong>Embabe34:<strong> Every night sexy about your juices

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123: <strong>This is probably all due to my freaken period at the moment but... I think your starting to get to me on an emotional level. Wish u were here to cuddle with non-sexually which I'm sure no guys wants to hear but whatever blame it on my period lol

I don't want to scare u off either

That's what I worry about a lot actually

Like with the phone call how I hung up

And certain things I said to protect myself and think later why I said that

Edward really did a number on me

* * *

><p><strong>Embabe34:<strong> Still I can kiss your lips your neck lick and suck your big juicy boobs the way I

I like

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I trusted him with my heart and now I worry over stupid shit

* * *

><p><strong>Embabe34: <strong>What kind of stupid shit sexy

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123: <strong>

I don't even know. I was more closed off than this. Edward opened me up and fucked with my head and broke my heart the two worst things u could do to a woman

Now I don't know how to go back to the way I was, soo closed off

I gave up on ever finding love or bf a long time before Edward ever came in the picture as sad as that may sound'

And now I just have this emotional need from a guy and it sucks

I can't get rid of it

I guess u have to be a girl to understand where I'm coming from

I just hate getting used

And lied to

You never know who u can trust anymore, it really scary

Sorry, this was supposed to be fun, I'm kind of a party pooper

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told u all that. We can go back to sexting tomorrow if you want. I'm just emotional my period, please just forget I mentioned it. I don't want it awkward between us now.

I hope u still want to be friends, I'm sorry, my emotions got away from me, please talk to me.

Fuck, I hope I didn't ruin everything just now.

* * *

><p><strong>Embabe34 <strong>is offline. You can still send this person messages and they will receive them the next time they are online.

* * *

><p><strong>March 18th<strong>

* * *

><p>Emmett was having connection problems earlier so I couldn't be sure if I drove him away or if the internet was to blame.<p>

All I know is that I was a mess. I cried myself to sleep, hysterically crying, hyperventilating, and I felt literally sick to my stomach.

I was soo nervous, hoping I didn't ruin everything with him but feeling very sure I did.

I don't know what happen, I just kept typing and in my mind I was thinking STOP YOUR GOING TO EITHER BORE HIM AWAY OR SCARE HIM AWAY, but I couldn't stop, it was like I was on a mission and had to get everything off my chest, it's the weirdest thing.

That's my problem I hold everything I feel inside and then it builds and builds and then I explode either in a pissed off way or a depressed way.

Why?

Why did I do this?

What's wrong with me?

I don't even know how I got here, became such a weak person. I hate it.

Fuck, I'm my own worst enemy.

Why do I have to make things more than they are and fuck things up?

Why can't I just appreciate things as they are and be thankful for that?

I know I have to separate fun and commitment but it's hard.

I got to stop WORRYING and THINKING so damn much, I swear it kills me sometimes.

I should learn to just go with the flow.


	36. Phone sex

**Note: Edward does come back into the story. In case you guys are wondering, he will be back soon.**

* * *

><p><strong>March 1819**

* * *

><p>Emmett and I were talking on the phone.<p>

He started making suggestions about what we would do, where we would fuck and asked I would like it.

I was tense, sarcastic and short. I was soo out of my comfort zone. Never in a million year would have thought I would be sexting a guy I barely knew or talking sexually over the phone.

Anyway, we tried phone sex. Rather he listened quietly while I tried to get off on the phone. I warned him it would take a long time, to get aroused and in that mindset.

He was fine with it.

It was awkward to say the least. Very quiet, I'm sure you could hear a pin drop. Eventually his connection died or he got bored and left.

I didn't get off on the phone.

I wrote him back an apologize explaining that's why I don't perform phone sex.

I think too logically.

He will make a sexual suggestion and be like, you like that?

I'm like, I don't know? Because I don't, I'm a virgin. How would I know if I'd like to have sex here and there and what position.

I'm too honest; if I dislike something I say it.

I guess I should just fake it and say yeah I like it.

It's all about fantasy anyway, right?

Like sex operators, they say what pleases the client not themselves.

I guess I could always look up ideas of phone sex or sexting.

I don't know, if I knew more about him other than sex maybe I would be more inclined to do it and be comfortable but it's always sex with him.

I could say a normal thing and he has a way of turning the conversation back to sex.

It's nice to see he is eager to talk to me as soon as he gets home from work but at the same time it would be nice if he actually wanted to know more about me as a person instead of a sex object to use to get off on. I want to hear the sweet stuff too, not just dirty.

It's just strange he would go to soo much trouble to JUST to chat with me.

I mean, it's not like he likes me, likes me, he doesn't even bother to get to know more about me, it's just how was your day to sexting.

It's flattering that he wants to chat with me but at that same time confusing.

I don't get his motives behind it.

We tried phone sex again, it went better this time. He actually got involved this time. It still took a very long time to reach climax but I was determine and did finally on the phone.


	37. Manwhore

**March 21**

* * *

><p>Edward and I talked for about three nights in a row and then something happened and he never wrote me back. Sound familiar?<p>

Some things never change.

The four things I learned about guys is this:

Guys are full of disappointment.

Guys like to fuck with our heads to get in our panties.

Guys are great at two things, being manwhores and bullshitting.

* * *

><p><strong>Note:<strong> Reviews wanted. Edward will be back next chp.


	38. Fool me once, fool me twice

**March 22**

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Haven't talked in forever, yet again. Not sure if that is/was your intention or not. However, I am still here if you want to talk. Ok?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> What? I've been waiting for you to reply to my email I sent like a week ago and I got a job. I got a call today and was told I was hired and I start April 2nd. I'm so excited about it.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Good for you! I'm happy for you. I wrote you a HEY a while ago and never got a reply. I figured you were ignoring me for whatever reason.

So what else is going on in your world?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Thanks and I never got it and if you want I can call you on my dad's phone for a little while but I don't have your number anymore. :(

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> ok, my number is…

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> I'm about to call, give me a sec.

* * *

><p>We talk for a bit, I cried a little bit too, full of emotions and he told me he missed talking to me on the phone, it was nice I have to agree, to have someone ( a guy) wanting to talk to me, FOR ME. No sexual favors, not be used, just because.<p>

He apologized again about not talking to me for soo long that he was in a dark place back then. (I guess I get that somewhat, some people like to deal with things on their own than with others.

I asked what was to stop him from doing that again, closing himself off and I told him he could always talk to someone if he was feeling down and get the support he needs/needed.

He says he has changed. He has faith now, he didn't back then.

I would say this is complete bullshit normally, but he did sound a lot better than when we last talked back in November. He almost sounded like his old self again.

I told him he probably didn't want to hear about Emmett but he said that it was fine and he didn't want to sound like a dick for not hearing what I wanted/was going to say about Emmett. (Because basically I did my own personal man bashing saying how guys only want pussy and they suck. I'm sure he loved me dissing his kind. lol)

I told him about Emmett. I probably shouldn't have, I don't know what goes against the girl code to tell a somewhat ex about a new guy. I told him that me and Emmett sext and do/did phone sex before, which is further than Edward and I have ever gone. He seemed fine with it on the phone, which I thought was kind of strange and made me think hmm, has he moved on?

Then he asked if I wanted to text for a while and called me sweetie.

Later when we were texting he asked more about the Emmett situation and said he was jealous of him. (It made me feel good to see he did have feelings after all.)

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Is it wrong to say I'm glad you're jealous?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> No, I guess not.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> You shouldn't be. Emmett and I don't have anything close to what you and I once had. You will always have a special place in my heart.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> He has you.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> No one has me, we just sext each other that's it; it's just me and my cat. Lol

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> He has more than I do, we aren't sexting are we or emailing each other dirty pics or having phone sex.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> There are no dirty pics involved. I don't even know where Emmett and I stand at the moment. He is sometimes nice and other times a jerk.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> That's because he just wants his sexual release and that's it probably. I mean it could be true but what do I know right?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Emmett calls me disrespectful names and gets pissy when we can't sext each other/ do phone sex and the guy has a huge ego.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> See, I told you. Just leave him alone or something .He is a dick, but let me go. I gotta get up early. Good night, I love you.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> You are the only one that ever made me smile, if that means anything. (I was being honest maybe to honest but that's just me.)

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> It means the world baby.

I haven't gotten off since we last sext together. (Roll eyes.) (I 'm not so sure I believe that. Considering it's been 3 months and people have needs.)

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Oh why?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> you're the only person and reason I could cum. (it was sweet and awkward to say the least.)

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I'm sure you could get yourself off just fine without my input maybe you just feel guilty or maybe Moby did. (Moby is a name I gave his dick back when we used to talk. Edward claims he is big and I thought the biggest dick belongs to a whale and thought of the story Moby Dick. He liked the name for his body part and it stuck. So we started calling his…Moby.)

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Maybe, well Ima go now. I'm getting pretty sleepy, night.

* * *

><p>About fifteen mins later he sends me a pic of his dick.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> This is Moby, say hi.

* * *

><p>I'm thinking to myself really? Really? We were having a normal, sweet conversation and you send me a pic of your dick? (I was confused to say the least and turned off.)<p>

He wanted to know what I thought of his dick. (Boys.) (Roll eyes) Maybe because he felt threaten of Emmett?)

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> why would you send me that and what am I to you?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Ok, well what did you think, can you at least tell me that?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> umm you're big and obviously aroused in that pic and I'm wondering how many people you sent that pic to and what you think of me to send me that pic? I mean, do you think I'm easy or something? why would you send me that? What were your intentions Edward ?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> I only sent it to you and just wanted to.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Well, I rather see your face than Moby.

I thought maybe I hurt his feelings considering how attach guys are to their dick emotional (which I may never understand.)

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I don't want you to think there is something wrong with Moby. He looks fine. It's just not my thing. You know?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> I understand but you see why he is name's Moby now right? (In case you're wondering I named his dick Moby after the story Moby Dick because it was a story about a huge whale and whales supposedly have the biggest dick, one species does anyway. Edward was supposedly big or so he said. So the name stuck.)

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Ha-ha, yes. He seems happy. Lol. (I had no clue what to say, lol.)

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> So, do you think less of me now Edward, Knowing I have had sex talks with another guy? (I just wanted his thoughts.)

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Nope I still love u the same baby and lol yea he does huh? (Meaning his dick looks happy.) Does that pic arouse u at all?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Honestly no. Sweet words arouse me. A guy telling me he wants me, calling me sweet names of affection, asking things about me, wanting to get to know me, not for sex reasons but just because makes me feel special and loved and wanted and that's one of the most happiest, arousing, experiences a girl can ask for. It's all about the words and the reason behind them and the effort that person makes to show they are true. (Maybe he will learn something, lol.)

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> True, true. So if a guy is like that and this is totally hypothetical has a 2 or 3inch penis you wouldn't mind and you would make love to him honestly and this is hypothetical. (Hmm, now I'm wondering if it is.)

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Yeah, if I loved him and was comfortable around him and things were good with us, then yes. Size means nothing to me. It's all about his heart. How much he cares and the effort in showing it.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Great answer, well it's late. Goodnight, love you.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Goodnight.

* * *

><p><strong>Note:<strong> Tell me, tell me, tell me, what are your thoughts people? Surely someone has opinion/thoughts on this chapter. Love to hear what you think.


	39. Some friendly advice

**Note:** After much consideration, I decided to tweak this story and take out the friend advice, there is just too much and it's pretty repetitive. I realized I'm focusing more on the friends when I should be more focus on the main topic, Bella and Edward. Hopefully doing so, will bring my readers and reviews back.

* * *

><p><strong>March 23rd<strong>

* * *

><p>I told all three of my friends about my Edward and Emmett issues. They were all wary of Edward's return and curious as to what both guys' intentions were.<p>

I had two guys in my life now, one a womanizer, a dick at times, but accountable to return. The other, sweet but broke promises and a complete wild card.

I never thought I would ever be in such a situation.

I didn't know what to do. I knew the answer should have been easy but it's wasn't. I saw both good and bad things in both guys.

Why did it have to be so complicating?

Although I liked the thought of having more than one option to go with, more than one guy hoping to gain my attention. I knew who I was drawn to more, who I couldn't live without. Edward.

Plus, I was fed up with the way Emmett treated me, as if I was a sex toy to him, a thing, and nothing else. I was indeed a person and deserved to be treated like one.

I decided to write him.

* * *

><p><em>Emmett, you obviously only give a shit about your dick and I obviously want something you can't give or aren't willing to give me. Enjoy fucking your work staff and good luck at not getting a disease at the rate you're going at.<em>

And that was the end of Emmett's and my arrangement.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Hey whatcha doing? I can only email right now.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Now is not good. I'm still working, finishing up right now.

How long can u talk for?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Not sure, like last night probably and that's cool. Take your time.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> K, ill email you when I'm done.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> k.

* * *

><p><strong>(Later on to Edward)<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Ok I can talk now. How was your day? What did you do today?

Edward you there?

Are you there?

* * *

><p>I waited for Edward to email me, like he said he would and nothing. It's so annoying.<p>

I hated having to wait for freaken guys to contact me I HATED IT. It was the worst, never knowing if it was going to come or not.

I didn't know why I needed male attention so badly but lately it was driving me nuts emotional.

I needed a guy there who cared and asked how my day was and told me he missed me.

I kept glancing at my damn email account, thinking come on and email me already.

But no alert. (Pout.)

* * *

><p>I will never understand why it is soo hard for them to say, hey can you give me a half hour I have to do something or I'll email you when I can talk again or something like that.<p>

Mencould be so inconsiderate aka selfish sometimes.

* * *

><p>Then finally…<p>

**Edboy92:** Sorry, I was taking a shower, needed it from sweating today. So what you doing?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I was wondering why you weren't responding to my emails. (Pout) Now I know. So how was your day, what did you do?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Workout and it was good and you?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Working on your fitness huh? lol. I had a crappy long ass day at work. I was supposed to get out at seven, didn't get out till seven forty. I, myself still need to take my damn shower and I have to go to work again tomorrow early like at eight. Eight to five.

Lord help me. lol.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> You will be ok. Go take a shower.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> You going to be able to talk afterwards? It takes me like thirty mins.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Yes, I'll be here.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Good to know. ;)

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92: <strong>;) good.

* * *

><p><strong>(After shower)<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I'm back.

I miss you.

* * *

><p><strong>(Later that night)<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Sorry, I feel asleep. What you doing?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123<strong>: I'm falling asleep, tired. Talk tomorrow night?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Sure.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123<strong>: Around what time?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> 7 or 8 at night.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123<strong>: K, night Edward, sweet dreams.

* * *

><p>*I want reviews people. I have a good number of alerts and favs for this story, yet no reviews?<strong>*<strong>


	40. In denial

****Note:** **After much consideration, I decided to tweak this story and take out the friend advice, there is just too much and it's pretty repetitive. I realized I'm focusing more on the friends when I should be more focus on the main topic, Bella and Edward. Hopefully doing so, will bring my readers and reviews back.

* * *

><p><strong>Mar 24<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Hey, I'm just now able to get on the internet. Sorry, so what you doing?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Missing you ;( how was your day?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Awww and pretty good.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> What did you do? My work day was pretty tiring. Talking to you is the highlight of my day. ;)

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92: <strong>:) Nothing really to be honest. I didn't do much today honestly.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Do you miss me?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Yes.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> How much do you miss me?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> More than anything in the world.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I love when you talk to me like this. I love your honesty and sweet words. It's refreshing and always touches my heart and makes me smile.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92: <strong>:) And I love when you talk to me like this.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I do love you, you know that right?

It's hard for me to be soo open with you considering how things last ended, yet it's hard for me not to be open with you.

I'm stuck in a hard place.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92: <strong>:) yes and I love you, do you know that?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I know you love me. ;)

You left quite an impression on me when you stopped talking to me for three months.

Now when I talk to you if I don't get a response right away, I panic and get upset and stressed and wonder if you're ever going to contact me again or leave me hanging on for three months again.

It's not about whether I love you or not Edward, it's about whether or not I can TRUST you after what you did.

Honestly I don't know the answer yet.

I guess time will tell all.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> I know and I understand. I know it's going to take time for that and I hope you can trust me again.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I hope so too. You gave me some of my best and worst moments in life. It's been bittersweet and I'm hoping there are still some more sweet moments to come. ;)

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92: <strong>;) me too and I was shocked when you said you wrote a story involving me. I hope there are more to come but that they will be good, sweet stories.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Lol, I wasn't even sure I was going to write a story about us. I did it more as a grieving tool to move on and to help others learn from my experience who were possibly going through the same thing I went through.

I never wrote it for entertainment purposes and I don't want you to think I was cheapening what we had by writing about it.

I would have asked your permission to post it first but you weren't around so I posted it anyway.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> It was fine but I would like to know about the next one and all, if you ever do write another one.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I don't plan to write another one. It was a one time thing. So do you have any thoughts or questions you would like to get off your chest, about anything?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> You there?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Yes, I asked if you had any questions you wanted to ask

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Uh, none that I can think of right now. Well I got one. Did you get rid of that guy or what? What about you, do you have anything that you want to get off your chest?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I actually haven't been able to reach that guy in a couple of days. There have been site issues at the site we usually chat on. I don't even know where Emmett and I stand at this point to be honest. And No I don't have anything to ask or say at the moment.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Ok, well just never talk to him again. What site is it? What's it called, is it a dating site?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> your soo cute when you're jealous. It's a site where one can find dates or friends.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92: <strong>:)

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> But really what is the site called? I'm going to give it to my older sister. She just got dumped and it's had her down. Maybe she can get on there and find someone.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> It's called- it's a foreign site. There are mainly Spanish people on there but there are some English.

However, the site is shitty always has errors I wouldn't recommend it.

She could always try EHarmony or Facebook lol.

EHarmony and other matchmaking sites like that have a free month trial.

She could try one month for free.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Ok, cool. I'll let her know. So what are you doing besides talking to me?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Nothing just relaxing, happy I get to sleep in tomorrow.

;) Wish you were here.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92: <strong>;) me to.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I don't plan on losing you anytime soon. ;)

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92: <strong>;) I understand and same here.

* * *

><p>We finished up with sexting and then said I love u's and made plans to talk the next night.<p>

* * *

><p>It was nice, like old times. Not sure if he meant all he had said, I mean, whoever knows if someone means what they say? I hope he does and I will give him the benefit of the doubt for now. I'm still going to keep my eyes open for people around my area. If anything Edward gives me the confident booster I need and makes me feel good for a couple mins to hours- however long we talk.<p>

He's my own personal sunshine. ;)

I know he's not the one for many reasons which helps keep things in perspective for me.

I think if we don't ask or expect too much from each other we will be fine.

We boost each other up, make each other smile, nothing wrong with that.


	41. The Promise

**March 25**

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Hey.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Hey, I'm hanging with my mom, thought we were talking later?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Yeah, I'm only on here for a few mins.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> K, talk later. Miss u.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> K, miss u 2.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123: <strong>;)

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Hey, ready to talk, just email me when u can.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> I'm in town right now.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> K, meaning what? Can we talk or no?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Well I can now; I just won't answer back as fast. I'll be home around 7:30.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> K babe, I'll just wait till u can talk. Just email when ur home and can talk. Miss u.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Mauh ;)

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Muah ;) I'm almost home.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> k.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> I gotta get off the internet for a while.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> K, just email when u can.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Babe, I got to go to bed. Leave me a message when u can and let me know if we can talk tomorrow at night and the time. I get off work at five, k? Love u, night!

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Ok and I work tomorrow for a few hours and 7 tomorrow night love u 2.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123: <strong>;)

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92: <strong>;)

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> What took u so long? I waited for u. ;(

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> I fell asleep sorry.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Ok, I'll forgive u this time. (Pout) ur lucky I love u. ;p

* * *

><p><strong>March 26<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Email me when u can talk. I'm ready when u r. ;)

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Hey baby, I'm not gonna be able to talk tonight.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Why not. ;(

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Sister needs the internet tonight. :(

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Well can we talk tomorrow night?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Yes I promise.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> You better mister. ;p love u and miss u. Night! Try not to think about me too hard now.

* * *

><p>Instead of worrying about the what ifs I decided to just deal with the now and try to let myself enjoy what we had.<p>

I considered us as online friends with benefits except we actually cared about each other like couples did.

I figure we could talk, be sweet with each other and just keep our eyes open for people around us and if\when we do find someone we will tell each other and continue on as online friends only.

Sounds complicated and ridiculous I know.

It's the only plan I could think of that's fair to both of us, so neither one of us are dragging the other around.

Or waiting for the impossible to happen.

I don't get many happy moments and Edward makes me happy which is one of the reasons I tend to cling to him so.

Emmett and I are over. I haven't heard from him and over a week.

Edward and I are supposed to talk tonight. He PROMISED me.

He never used the word promise before. It's a big word to use.

So far he has yet to email me. I sent him two emails and we usually talk by eight.

I don't know, it's not looking too good right now.

I'm hoping he emails me but at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up.

Guys aren't looking too good right now.


	42. Common mistakes

**March 27**

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Let me know when you can talk. Miss you. ;)

* * *

><p>Edward never did email me like he swore he would.<p>

I didn't know if I should email him again and curse him out basically or wait till the next day to see if he had an issue like internet problems or if he couldn't talk for whatever reason.

I hated that he promised me and did not live up to that promise.

It was just another strike against him.

The strange thing was, I wasn't upset like I thought I would be.

Probably because I had a feeling something like this would happen.

My heart was more guarded with him since the first time we talked.

* * *

><p>It's pretty sad when a lady isn't shocked when things go wrong but rather when things go right, because they never do.<p>

I find when we get upset about things and let guys know, it goes badly for us, women.

It's best not to care at all and just enjoy the benefits.

I'm still working on that.

I still can't understand how men can be so thoughtless\inconsiderate.

I wrote Edward an email telling him not to promise things he can't live up to and unless things happened that was out of his control he owed me an apology the next time we spoke.

I haven't heard anything yet.

* * *

><p><strong>Mar 28<strong>

* * *

><p>I'm thinking of talking to another guy on that datingfriend site. I get contact requests and flirts requests from people all the time.

I'm kind of hesitant about talking to guys from that site though after dealing with Emmett .

We will see what happens.

* * *

><p><strong>Later that night<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Sorry, I've been busy working. i just got home. I'm going to go to sleep. I'm so tired. i will try to talk to you tomorrow night, ok night, love you.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> So, I'm guessing you got the job then? Talk later, hopefully.

* * *

><p>I was bored and lonely at times and maybe that's what made me gravitate towards Edward more and want hope for more from him communication wise but that didn't change my love for him or how I treated him.

I still loved him but my enthusiasm to talk with him was slowly slipping away the more we talked and the more he kept making the same mistakes.


	43. Thoughtlessness n lack of communication

**March 29**

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I wish you were here.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Hey, sorry I haven't been able to talk. I'm fine and how are you? What are you doing?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Missing you and realizing I don't understand guys as much as I thought I did.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> What do you mean?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I tried talking and befriending another guy from that site I told you about and all they want is sex talk, it seems that way with every guy I talk to lately. They either want to sext or lose interest in me.

No guy wants a girl as a friend only.

It sucks.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Well, I told you. I'm a rare guy.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Lol, whatever Edward, like your soo special. (Roll eyes) you're telling me you just want friendship now?

* * *

><p>I waited nervously as thirty minutes passed by with no comment for Edward. I panicked thinking I really offended him with my playful joke and I started to cry thinking I ruined everything.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I'm sorry okay, don't ignore me, please. You know I love you, right?

Write me back, pretty please.

You already have my heart, what more do you want from me Edward?

I'm trying soo hard to make this friendship work.

What am I doing wrong? Please tell me, because I don't know what else I can do.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Sorry, I had to do something.

You're not doing anything wrong I promise.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I feel stupid now for writing you all that. I thought I lost you. I never know what I can and can't say around you. I don't want to hurt you.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> I've told you a million times that can't happen unless you say: "I hate you, leave me alone." That's the only thing you can say that will hurt me. Well, I got to go to sleep. Good night, love you.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I feel like your shutting me out right now and it hurts.

Did you get the job already?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Yes, I have Monday and Tuesday off and work the rest of the week and I'm going to get a cell phone with my first paycheck.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Ok, are we talking tomorrow night?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Yes.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Around the same time I'm guessing? Night, love you and miss you more than you know. ;)

* * *

><p>Edward only saw things from his pov; maybe if he saw things from my pov he would get the message.<p>

He really needed to work on informing me on things. I know he didn't do it intentionally, he just didn't think sometimes.

* * *

><p><strong>March 30<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I'm not sure what time you get\got off work today and it's getting late.

We can always leave a message about our days till we can actually chat.

Today I watched Pretty Woman. One of my fav movies. I didn't have to go to work today till two and I got out at seven. Work was okay.

I work eight to five tomorrow.

How was your day? I hope all is going well for you.

Love and miss you.

Night babe, hope I hear from you soon.

Ps: I don't talk to Emmett anymore or any other guy for the matter. I only have girlfriends now.

Besides none of the guys I ever talked too compared to you. ;)

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92: <strong>:) That's great to hear. That must mean something great and sorry, we closed at 10. I came home, took a shower and just now finished eating something. My day was long but good.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Love you, night Edward.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Love you too, night.

* * *

><p><strong>Note:<strong> As always, I want reviews, predictions, any thoughts.


	44. Almost like old times

**March 31-april 1**

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Umm... not sure what to say other than hey and miss you. Lol.

Also, can you tell me the times you get out of work Wednesday-Sunday so I know the best time to reach you at?

Love you. ;)

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Hey baby, I'm home now and sitting in bed. It might be another week before I get a phone I know how much my first paycheck is and I won't have enough money to get a phone. I'll be a hundred dollars short. :(

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Yeah, yeah, what else is new. ;P

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Are you mocking me? ;p and the sooner I get a phone the more we can talk.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Yay! And of course. Lol ;P

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Yup yay! And you always are and I refuse to get anything other than a blackberry you know me.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I have a blackberry myself. Yes, I love to tease. Haha.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> I know it's the one your mother gave you, I remember. I just really need to figure out what phone company to go with.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Actually I tried to switch to her old black berry but we couldn't figure out how to work things on it and she didn't have the manual for it anymore. So the people at the store said I would be better off getting a more up to date blackberry, so I did.

How was work, make any friends?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Eeeeeeee! What company is your phone through again, att?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Yup! And you didn't answer my previous question. ;p

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Is AT&T any good? What's the service like, I bet it's like 100 dollars a month. Whatever company I go with I'm not going to do a 2 year contract.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Yes, it's a good service. It's the only company I ever used so I can't compare it to the other but I never had a problem with att so far and I have been using the company for over eight years now.

I can't tell you how much it cost a month; my mom pays for my phone but swears it doesn't cost her much.

She got a deal where our phones are on a family plan.

I think it cost less when you do that.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Oh ok, cool and I did answer that question, it was eeeeeeeee! Meaning nope.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Oh ok, never heard eeeeee! Before wasn't sure what that meant. Lol. So are your coworkers nice at least?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong>Yeah.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> That's good. So what are you doing?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Watching a movie and talking to you what about you?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> What movie are you watching? I'm lying in bed talking to you, nothing else.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> American pie band camp.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Oh lord. Which one is that? I only saw the first one and part of the second. Hey did you see breaking dawn yet?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> It's the fourth movie and there are six of them in total and yes I also have it on dvd.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> It officially April fool's day over here. Ever pull any jokes on your family?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Lol. Yes, all the time actually and its only 11:15.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Yeah, where you are.

Remember we are an hour difference.

It's twelve over here.

Yeah my mom once pranked my sister and me when we first woke up saying there were flamingos in our backyard.

I still can't believe we fell for that, then again we were half asleep at the time. Lol.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Lol. I got my cousin one year. I spent the night over at his house and well I went and lifted the toilet lid and put saran wrap on the toilet. Lol.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Ewe, Hate to clean up that mess. Lol.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Lol, yup his mom had to. Lol.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Why didn't he or you clean it up?

It was his pee and your joke.

How old were you guys at the time?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> We were 7 yrs. old. Lol

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Oh ok, makes sense now. Lol

Was that around the same time you got bit on the ass by the boxer? Lol.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Yup, good times, good times. There good, funny memories.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I'm just busting your chops. ;) You can spank me if I get out of line.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> ;) Well I got to get some sleep. Good night, love you.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Good night already? (Pout)

Love you more. ;p sweet dreams for you and wet for Moby. Lol.


	45. Dealing with a kid

**April 2**

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> How's your day off going?

Are we talking? Let me know what's going on.

* * *

><p>I was trying to detach myself from Edward some. Sunday I didn't freak at all when we didn't talk, I was just like whatever, if he contacts me, he does, if he doesn't, he doesn't. I went with the flow plus I was busy dealing and helping Alice out with her own guy issues which helped take the focus off Edward.<p>

Then I remembered him telling me awhile back Monday and Tuesday were his days off.

So I thought great, we could talk then.

I left three messages and had no reply.

I thought he would contact me today but I haven't hear anything and it is supposedly his day off today, what could he possibly have to do that he can't talk at night? I don't get it.

* * *

><p><strong>April 3<strong>

* * *

><p>I have my doubts. I'm just trying to believe\ wanting to believe Edward has a heart and does do a turn around this time.<p>

Something could have happened, so I can't really judge him till I know all the facts.

I'll give him two weeks, if I don't hear from him in that time I'll write him an email about him shutting me out and so on and if he doesn't contact me after that...

I'll worry about that when\if the time comes.

* * *

><p>I think all the good hearted men are either dead or die out in the end. The assholes are the ones that live forever. Even in literature and in movies it happens. Look at Romeo and Juliet, good hearted people, both die. Titanic, jack the kind hearted guy dies at the end. Twilight, Edward Cullen, he is already dead. Sensing the pattern here?<p>

Sometimes I think us, women are masochist. We know men hurt us and that more than likely they are not going to give us what we want yet we still pursue them.

What is wrong with us? We are sick. Lol

* * *

><p><strong>April 4<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Hey, sorry baby. I have been so tired and working.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Working? I thought you got Monday and Tuesday off? Confused over here.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Working around the house with having to run errands and etc.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Please let me know when you can't talk or days you can. Okay? It's not fair to me to have to guess and wait to see if you are going to contact me or not and I will do the same.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Ok, I will and I know you will.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Also, please inform me when you need a break to use the bathroom/shower/eat/whatever. Last time you left me waiting 30mins and didn't even bother to tell me beforehand you would be away from the phone mid talk. I would never do that to you.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Sorry, I will and I know you wouldn't.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> It's ok as long as you are aware of what you do sometimes affects others and learn from your mistakes. So how are you?

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Cool, I want to see Hunger Games and 21 Jump Street.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Yeah, Hunger games was very action packed. I liked Jump Street 21 more, it was pretty funny.

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Cool, who is in 21 Jump Street?

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I don't know all their names. Johnny Depp is a surprise actor in the movie. He makes an on screen appearance towards the end and for a short time. It gives you a shock though because no one expects it. Channing Tatum is in it too. ;)

* * *

><p><strong>Edboy92:<strong> Awesome. Well, I got to get off for a while. My mom needs the net.

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> ok? Talk later then.

* * *

><p><strong>A couple hours later<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> Guess we are not talking anymore tonight. Love you and miss you. Night babe!

* * *

><p>I don't think I will ever understand guys. They think we are the complicated ones but in reality, they are.<p>

I just don't understand how faith would bring us back together only to pull us apart again. I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it feels that way.

I still don't even know where Edward and I stand.

I could feel a distance between us. I guess my subconscious knew it wasn't working and preparing for the worst.

Maybe Edward's mom hogged the phone and he couldn't use it again last night or he fell asleep yet again, either way it kind of hurt not to get a response back.

I haven't heard from him yet tonight I'm guessing he is working late again.

A part of me wants to write him but the other is like fuck that, have him email me first.

I hate this stupid game we are currently playing, the who will contact who first and who has too much pride\ is too stubborn to? Or the who gives a shit and who doesn't game.

I'm too old for these childish games, half the time I feel like his mother having to tell him how to treat people, reminding him how to act. Be respectful of others dear, considerate, mind your matters say please and thank you. (Roll eyes)

I'm getting fed up with his disappearing act too.

I want the flirty fun times back.

I'm hoping once he gets a phone things will get easier and he will live up to his promises.

I just want him to say I love you or miss you first to me. It would mean a lot.

I noticed Edward wouldn't say I love you or I miss you to me first, like he used to. I had to say it first in order for him to say it back. It made it feel more forced and less real that way. It made me realize his heart wasn't into this like mine was.

And I shouldn't have to tell him that, he should just know to say those things.

Fucking boys. (So annoying.)


	46. Self doubt

**April 5 **

* * *

><p>I had a dream he emailed me last night, of course I look at my phone this morning and nothing. Hate when that happens.<p>

I just don't understand him. A lot of his complaints are I have been working and I'm tired. I'm thinking so, I work all the time and my job is very physically and emotionally demanding and I still make time to talk to him.

If he is tired now from his first job how is it going to be any different when he gets a phone?

What will change?

He will have his own phone yes, but that won't change his work hours, or his tiredness.

There I go thinking again.

This is the second day without a word from Edward. I'm not sure if I should email him and see what's going on or wait for him to write me.

Honestly, I don't even know what I feel anymore.

I felt every emotion one could feel the first time around with Edward. I felt happy, sad, angry, nervous, tired, hopeless, worried, stressed, annoyed, etc. It was exhausting. I never knew I had that many emotions.

It was a lot to deal with the first time around. I'm a little hesitant to continue not wanting a repeat of the chaos.

The highs were great but the lows were awful and downright scary.

Right now I'm just taking things day by day. I'm trying not to think so much and worry.

I think that was part of my downfall the first time around.

I'm just going to try to relax and enjoy what we have.

I'll see how things go once Edward can get a phone. Well see if things get better or worst or stay the same.

I have my doubts but I'm trying to stay positive and give him the benefit of the doubt.


	47. Sabotaging love

**April 7**

* * *

><p><strong>Bellbs123:<strong> I never know when you can talk.

For now on I'm just going to wait for you to email me since you seem to be soo busy lately and I don't know your schedule. I think it will be easier that way.

Talk to you when you can.

* * *

><p>Edward dropped from my eyes romantically and lately I only saw him as a friend, as our conversations had lessened and were short, friend chats. I haven't heard I love you or miss you or any of his sweet talk since last Saturday. It sucked but whatever.<p>

I wondered if he is self-sabotaging himself.

I did that too sometimes, by shutting people out. That's why I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I was actually wondering today if there really is such a thing as love.

I know one love their family but...

I wonder if it really is possible to love an outsider. How do we know it's really love? Maybe it's just loneliness/horniess and denial all wrapped up together.

There is a quote somewhere I read that said "Don't fall in love when your lonely wait till your heart is ready." I say if I wasn't lonely, I wouldn't need love.

* * *

><p><strong>April 8<strong>

* * *

><p>It sucks; lately my mind has been playing tricks on me...<p>

The last two/three nights I had a dream that Edward emailed me and I would look down at my phone in the dream to confirm it and the email is there but I'm too tired to read it, so I go back to bed in my dream and then I wake in the morning and check my phone and see there is no email from Edward. It's a total let down and head fuck.

I was thinking about wishing him a Happy Easter but held back.

It's hard.

You know, now that I think about it, I wished him A Happy Thanksgiving, a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and an early Happy Birthday and he NEVER wished me anything. Even when I said I had my birthday which he forgotten, he neither bothered to say Happy Belated Birthday, nothing. What a jerk.


	48. Vicious cycle

Why are guys so cruel to us?

It's going to be soo hard waiting for his ass to man up and contact me.

It doesn't matter whether I contact Edward first or he contacts me first, no matter what the order is I'm always the one having to wait.

Why the fuck is that?

Guys love to leave us hanging, don't they?

Sometimes I wonder if they ever really change or if they just fool us into thinking they do before they start the same bs disrespectful cycle again.

It's been five days with no word.

I'm staying strong or trying to at least.

It hurts as more days and nights past and there is no word, nothing.

It's hard not just to email and curse him out or demand he tell me why he is fucking with my head and hopes and not giving a shit about it but I hold my tongue every time and don't email him or call.

Instead I talk to friends or keep myself busy.

I do anything else to take my mind off him.

I just don't understand if Edward cares why is it soo easy for him to go without contact and if he doesn't care why bother trying to contact me again after 3 months when he could have moved on to someone else?

That's why I'm soo iffy on the if he cares/doesn't care thing. I feel like its split down the middle.

* * *

><p><strong>April 11<strong>

* * *

><p>Most people aren't like me. That's what I liked about Edward, we had a lot in common, we could relate.<p>

We are both virgins, both had bad experiences with school kids growing up, being made fun of. Both of us are overweight. Both of us are shy and closed off to the world of today. Both of us are honest (at least I think)

Plus he told me he doesn't care about looks, it personality that is important to him.

That is always great to hear when most guys today are all about looks and sex.

He is almost like a safety blanket to me, one I would hate to part with.

I used to want the works from a man but now I realized how shitty guys in the world of today are, I lowered my standards to just wanting a guy friend who I can talk with every or almost every day and have him be sweet, loyal and reliable.

The sad thing is I don't even think that exist anymore.

I feel soo tempted to email Edward.

It's better to have something than nothing and right now I feel like I have nothing.

It sucks.


	49. Enough is enough

**April 13**

* * *

><p>I doubt it will work even as friends with Edward but I'm trying to hang on to what we havehad because if Edward is the guy he claims to be and is truly a good person just having a rough time in his life and shy and has no one else to talk to beside family, I would like to be there for him.

I would hate to leave him hanging if he is having a tough time adjusting with his life. I don't want to be the person that wasn't there for him and for him to have no one if /when times get hard.

Everyone needs a friend to lean on in those times, maybe I'm his?

* * *

><p>The real shitty thing is he probably doesn't even know or think I'm intentionally ignoring him\not contacting him at the moment.<p>

He is soo freaken clueless and supposedly busy with his job, he probably hasn't noticed anything.

I'm sure besides making money, sleep is his main priority.

It sucks because; I remember when it used to be me.

I don't know sometimes I think by not saying anything to him is like letting him off too easily.

Eventually I have to say something if he never writes back. I can't just let it go; I at least have to say my peace before I stop emailing him for good.

Great, now I'm going to cry.

It's such a lonely and scary feeling.

I almost felt like Edward was a part of the family, a part of me because we had soo much in common and got along so well and it hurts that not only that he is throwing it all away but that he might have been faking his feeling for me all along. That none of it was real and special for him as it had been for me.

I mean he was my first love, you know how fucked up that is if he wasn't even being genuine with me?

It just saddens me that the first love I ever had that gave me some of the greatest feelings in my life could have possibly been faking his feelings for me and not have even loved me the whole time I have loved him and it frustrates me and angers me that I spent soo much time worrying about him and us, for nothing. That I wasted all my time and feelings and energy on him, for nothing.

It's heartbreaking.

* * *

><p>I have made every excuse I could make up for his defense.<p>

I didn't want to believe Edward wasn't trying to contact me, that he wasn't willing to try for me. That I wasn't worth the trouble for him.

I'm sick of defending him.

If he did contact me I don't even know what I would say to him.

Do I ask where he was and get upset?

Do I tell him it's over?

Do I give him another chance to make it up?

Do I let him explain himself?

I don't know anymore.

It used to be so easy to say what was on my mind and figure out decisions. Now, I have been pushed and pulled in soo many directions and emotions, I don't know what to do or even think at the moment.

* * *

><p><strong>April 14<strong>

* * *

><p>Last night I talked with Alice. We both are going through similar crap with guys.<p>

Both of us are waiting to hear from a man.

I told her I was going to email Edward and ask questions or just curse his ass out before ending it.

She surprised me and told me she wasn't EVER going to contact her guy back if he never contacts her back.

I'm surprised she made such an extreme statement as to NEVER contact him again.

It struck a nerve with me and I cried a little and realized I was never going to hear from Edward and that we are more than likely done and that we have been over for a while now, I just didn't want to see it or admit it to myself.

* * *

><p>Why can't guys just be upfront from the start?<p>

Why must they play so many damn games?

And for what, what could they possibly gain from it?

When is enough, enough?

When do you say I have been through enough and this person is just playing a game and never going to change no matter how much I want them to and how much hope I put towards them?

* * *

><p><strong>Note:<strong> The end is coming. I should have this story finished tonight if not, tomorrow, bear with me readers, just a couple more chps left. ;)


	50. The ugly truth

I can't believe it took me this long to realize it. Edward was only into me for attention, nothing else, at least for this time around.

I was looking through my phone at some old conversations I had with him, I was soo blinded the first time around but now it's clear as day. I think I was just soo lonely and happy Edward contacted me I never really bothered to question why.

He tried to fool me with the I love yous and miss you bullshit to get my attention.

Realizing this I went back to the picture of his dick that he sent me like a month ago, to see the name it was saved under. I thought, let me look this up on the web and see if he is being real with me and you know what?

That asshole sent me a picture of another guy's dick. It was from a porn site.

Omg, he is such a compulsive liar!

Just one lie makes me question everything he said to me.

Now I'm thinking who the fuck was he?

Did I know him at all?

Was any of it real?

Was it all bullshit and lies?

* * *

><p><strong>April 15<strong>

* * *

><p>So I did it. I sent him an email. I had to. I wanted him to know I knew his fucking game and he wasn't fooling me, not anymore.<p>

I posted the picture of his supposed dick with the porn sites name underneath.

* * *

><p>Title: <em>Honesty my ass <em>

_You're so full of shit! _

_Let me help you out. What did you want me to say again? Oh yeah, I hate you! Don't fucking talk to me again you fucking fake asshole!_

_You're not worth my time or energy._

* * *

><p>I think I got my point across. I just can't believe he had the nerve to do something like that to me again. Fucking unbelievable.<p>

I emailed him because I wanted him to know I may have been blinded before but I could see right through his act now.

What an ass!

The sad part is I don't even care about that stuff. If he really listened to me and knew me at all, he would already know that.

I'm deleting everything I have of his.

I deleted his numbers from my phone and all his pictures he sent me. Now I just have to finish my story and then I can delete all his emails.

Tears keep falling.

I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare.

I thought Edward wanted a relationship with me but was just scared, now I know it was all a lie to him and complete bs. Everything he said to me was complete bs, and worthless.

My first fucking love was a dick, a liar and a con-artist, lovely thought.

The more I think about it the more it pisses me off that became one of those girls that I can't stand. That let a guy walk all over them and don't even know it's happening until it too late.

* * *

><p><strong>April 16 <strong>

* * *

><p>I feel like the kid that jumps into a car with a complete stranger instead of kicking them in the balls and running in the opposite direction.<p>

Why is it we never see when we are getting played or used until it's too late?

Friends see it so clear, yet we get brained washed and defend the assholes that betray us and break our hearts.

We don't see it till after it happens. It's like the jerks put some kind of a spell on us till they get what they want and then they disappear.

Outsiders can see what is happening; tell we are being treated wrong.

But do we listen?

No, because we want to believe there is a good guy out there and that we found one. We want to believe that bad things can't\won't happen to us because we are good, respectable women.

Instead we make excuses for these sorry ass losers and hope for the best.

It's sad how it ended. I thought if anything we could be friends but nope, he is still the same young idiot.

Sad thing is, I was rooting for him.

* * *

><p><strong>Note:<strong> Two /three chps left.


	51. The facts

**What I realized**

* * *

><p><strong>About Edward<strong>

Edward left me hanging/wanting all the time. I was never his priority. He manipulated me making me think he cared so he could get what he wanted/needed from me and just go.

He couldn't have loved me; he didn't even know what love was.

Love is give and take. Not take, take, take and take some more.

There is effort involved and he never tried.

It's based on truth and respect and he told me lies.

What's the point of loving someone if they are not going to love you back?

All those wasted moments of time and wasted feelings I could have spent on someone worthy of my love.

* * *

><p><strong>About Love and relationships<strong>

There are no guarantees in life and the shitty thing is there will never be. Even if you marry a man there is no guarantee it is going to work between you two.

That's the scary thing, nothing lasts forever, and nothing can be promised to us forever.

It's a risk, falling for someone and not knowing what will happen.

Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

But if you don't put yourself out there, you will never find it, you'll never get to experience love the way you want.

You will always be on watch and protect your heart from outsiders and never know that great feeling of happiness.

You have to be brave.

It's hard, I KNOW.

Even if it doesn't work at least you can say YOU TRIED and put your heart and soul into it.

You'll know you did all you could do.

Have faith.

You never know what the future holds. Anything is possible.


	52. Personal message

if YOU, you know who you are, are reading this, I just want to say one day you are going to realize how bad you fucked up a good thing, lost a true friend/possibly relationship and you will have no one to blame but yourself. I live for that day.

Maybe one day, you'll man up to what you did and apologize. Give a REAL, HEART FELT apology. Maybe you won't.

I hope above all, you learned your lesson from our time together. I know I learned mine.

I don't hate you, I just wanted to get to you, hurt you, make you feel an ounce of the hurt you made me feel.

I hate what you did, I still do.

I hope you get everything you deserve, whether it is good or bad, depending on what you deserve and what kind of person you really are.

I really don't know who you are after the lies you told but I would like to believe there is some good in you.

I'm closing the door to my past and moving on to my future.

Good luck to you.

Your ex –friend.

* * *

><p><strong>Note: <strong>Thank you all for reading and the support. It has helped me a lot. I bonded with some of you, hearing your similar experiences, I cried and stressed while finishing this story, being brought back into the memories as if they were yesterday. I can breathe in a sigh of relief that I'm done with it and the memories. I finally got the closure I was looking for and now I can fully move on. ;)


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